The Idol of Perfection

The Warren Gresham Family at the Elbert Christian Church 100th Anniversary in August 2016

Last night four generations of the Gresham family prayed for unity in our families at the National Day of Prayer event in Kiowa. The event was an awesome time of prayer. We were so honored  to be invited. And I am so blessed to be a part of this family, to sit together on Sundays with my in-laws, children, nephews, and grandchildren in the same church where previous generations worshiped together, too.

When it was my turn to pray, I prayed for the wives, mothers, grandmothers and daughters to break down the idol of perfectionism. That is how I've come to see it - an idol. If I can be the perfect wife, mother, grandmother, daughter or Christian, then I am doing what God wants. And, if not, then I have failed. Even when I am falling short of perfection or not even trying because I can't do it perfectly, the idol still stands before me.

Somewhere along the way I got mixed up about God's love, thinking he loves me best when I am perfect. And he loves me less when I am not. 

Somewhere along the way I thought I could be perfect if I just worked a little harder, wasn't so lazy, could be a better wife or mother, and was a better housekeeper. My idol of perfection stood before me. When I read the Bible, I only saw how I would be perfect if I did all of these things. And, since I didn't do them all, I wasn't perfect. Pretty soon I stopped reading the Bible.

And I know I am not the only one. In 2012, the Barna Research Group reported that 50% of women stated that "disorganization" is their greatest struggle followed by 42% listing "inefficiency." That tells me that many women idolize perfection. And worshiping before this idol does not make the family stronger, it tears away at it piece by piece.

The thing about having an idol before God is it doesn't make you better, it only keeps you from God.

My clinical depression (which I viewed as a journey with God) and three years of therapy helped me to understand perfectionism. And perfectionism isn't about doing everything well. Brene Brown defines perfectionism (in part) as "Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame."  (From The Gifts of Imperfection, p. 57)

What I know today is only the blood of Christ makes me perfect. There is nothing I can do to be perfect or live perfectly. And when I try to live in this way, then I am making Jesus' sacrifice out to be meaningless. It is as if the Law of the Old Testament is in effect today. What better idol could the enemy put before us to separate us from God?

My perfectionism is overcome by God's love and grace and learning to Love Myself and give myself grace and compassion. I seek God and spend time with him in silence. In silence, I am not trying to control anything through prayer, just listening to him, trusting him, and knowing him. When silence is part of my day, I move forward from a centered place, a place where I know I am loved and cherished by God.

I trust God and talk to him throughout my day. I ask him to Order My Day. I live in the moments, rather than being overwhelmed and escaping in a book or being perfect and controlling everything. 

Will you join me in praying for women to break down the idol of perfection? Will you offer grace and compassion with loads of encouragement to the women in your life? Will you reach out to the mother who is hanging on by a thread as her toddler has a meltdown in the grocery store? Will you stop your judgmental thoughts and words when someone isn't doing something just the way you would? 

Wouldn't we all be better off if we look at others and think, "She is doing the best she can." And don't forget to apply that to yourself, too.

Why Can't I Read The Bible?

A couple of years ago, I was visiting with an elder at church and confessed something I hadn’t told anyone: “I can’t read the Bible, not daily or even sometimes. When I read the Bible, I feel terrible. I can’t measure up to what I should be doing or who I should be as a Christian.”

“Really?” Jerry asked. “When I read the Bible I feel challenged. Challenged to do better or be better. Not judged or condemned.”

Jerry’s words stayed with me – challenged, not condemned. But I wasn’t sure how to move from feeling condemned to feeling challenged.

Now I can look back and see that depression, perfectionism and self-criticism made me feel condemned with a lot of help from the enemy. What better way to keep Christians from spreading the gospel?

Going through therapy and reading Brené Brown’s books helped immensely. Brené Brown helped me understand the difference between guilt and shame; something we don’t talk enough about in Christian circles, or any circles.

According to Brown, the major difference between guilt and shame is “guilt = I did something bad” and “shame = I am bad.” Guilt has the power to move a person to right action in line with their values while shame makes a person feel unworthy and worthless. I felt shame (not good enough, not perfect enough) when I read the Bible. I could never measure up, therefore, what was the point in reading it?

When shame becomes our default feeling, I believe depression sets in. In order to change, I had to recognize when I feel guilt and when I feel shame. That’s pretty hard when you move from guilt to shame in .5 seconds.

But I am learning that even when I am in shame, I can stop and look back at what put me into that feeling. If it is something I did or thought, I can see if it lines up with my values - my desire to be authentic, to have integrity and to live in real faith. If I can take a step back from shame, I can let guilt help me take responsibility, be accountable for my actions or my thoughts. Then I can take action.

When I struggle with shame, I am learning to practice what Brené Brown calls shame-resilience. Brown says, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable… If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to the light was deadly to the gremlins (the movie), language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.” (Daring Greatly, p. 67)

Speaking to Jerry about the shame I felt when I read the Bible brought light to my shame. Christ’s light. He offered a different way to look at my shame – challenging instead of condemning. That is shame-resilience. I also practiced shame-resilience when I mentioned it to other people. Some said, “Yes, I know that feeling.” Or “I struggle with that, too.” Starting the Beneath The Dappled Sky blog was a form of shame-resilience for me. I have learned I am not alone. I am not the only one to struggle with depression and anxiety. And, I know I am not the only one to feel condemnation when reading the Bible as a Christian.

The phrase, “put to shame” is found in the New International Version of the Old  Testament 47 times, but only 5 times in the New Testament. Why? Romans 5:5 says, “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  And Romans 10:11 says, “As Scripture says, ‘Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.’”

Speaking shame, trusting in the Lord, and being self-compassionate have made a huge difference in my life. Reading Sarah Young’s devotional, Jesus Calling, also helped me to move from perfectionism and thinking I had to be or do something to be a “good”Christian to resting in God and trusting Him in my relationship with Him.

Even in reading the Bible.

Love Is Patient. Love Is Kind.

My bucket of faith, hope and love

Several months ago, Dr. Anna asked me to write my insecurities on a Styrofoam cup. I wrote about my fears, disconnection, perfectionism, feared judgement and unmet expectations. Then she had me poke holes in the cup to drain my insecurities.

It felt good to drain my insecurities. At the bottom I wrote, “Every last drop of insecurity drained.”

On the drive home I thought about what I wanted to fill my cup with. And the words, “Faith, hope and love” came to me.

Yes, that is what I want poured into my cup. I want to overflow with faith, hope and love.

I opened my Bible when I got home and turned to 1 Corinthians 13. You know, the Love Chapter. If you are like me, then you read it as an outward action. Love is patient (with others). Love is kind (to others)…

For some reason I read it differently on that day:

Love is patient. (I can be patient with myself. The same way I would be with a friend.)

Love is kind. (I can be kind to myself. I can speak kindly, the way I would with a friend.)

Love is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. (Whoa. I don’t have to be angry with myself or remind myself of what I’ve done or not done every day. My mistakes don’t have to play over and over in my mind.)

 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. (Depression lies. Satan lies. Anxiety lies. I rejoice in the truth. I seek the truth and dismiss the lies.)

Love always protects. (I protect the truth. I protect myself from lies.)

Love always trusts. (I trust myself and God.)

Love always hopes. (Through God, I see the best in me and always hope.)

Love always perseveres. (Don’t give up. Seek the truth and move forward. Stop living in the past.)

Love Never Fails.

I have lived a life believing the lies of perfectionism. Now, if you have seen my home or know me, you may laugh to think I struggle with being perfect. I fall on the other end of the spectrum. If I can’t do it perfectly, why do it at all? The All or Nothing Mentality.

Letting go of perfectionism is all about learning to be self-compassionate. Learning who I am. Trusting myself. Being willing to try and fail. Everything 1 Corinthians 13 says. 

No, it's not easy. In fact, my anxiety ratcheted right up this last month and I realized it was about perfectionism. That's when I bought the little pink bucket and wrote 1 Corinthians 13 on it. It helps to have a reminder around.

If you wonder about your level of self-compassion, you can take a test at http://selfcompassion.org/

If you can't love yourself, how can you love others openly and honestly?

Who I Am

Who I Am

I am darkness and light.

I am perfect and imperfect.

I am shy and outgoing.

I am music and silence.

I am joy and sadness.

I am saved. And I am a sinner.

I am weak and strong.

I am courage and fear.

I am love and hatred.

I am judgment and grace.

I am selfless and selfish.

I am human.

And when I acknowledge, embrace and integrate all that I am,

Instead of denying, hiding, covering, or running,

I am me. All of me.

(copyright 2015 Gayle Gresham)

Are You Enough?

You are not good enough. You are not smart enough. You are not productive enough. You are not talented enough. You are not disciplined enough. You are not Christian enough. You are not… enough.

Lies. All lies. Lies I told myself. Lies Satan told me.

Lies I believed. Until they broke me.

And in my brokenness, God made me whole.

I have always been the good girl. The one who went to church, obeyed her parents, didn’t party, didn’t get into trouble. And I grew up into a good, Christian woman. A good, Christian wife and a good, Christian mother.

But being a good, Christian woman wasn’t enough. I could not live up to my expectations. The Proverbs 31 woman I am not. I could not live up to God’s expectations (or what I thought were his expectations). For years I have asked God to change me. But he didn’t. I stopped reading the Bible because I felt condemned. I could not live up to it. I didn’t attempt to have a quiet time or devotions because I never kept it regularly. I wasn’t disciplined enough. I didn’t pray enough. I wasn’t enough.

One day, I made an honest statement to an elder in my church. I told him I felt condemned when I read the Bible. He paused a moment, and then said, “That’s interesting. When I read something I feel I’m not living up to, I feel challenged to try to do it.”

It opened my eyes. I still did not know how to do it, but I saw there was another way of living. A way of feeling challenged to live it instead of feeling condemned.

Then the depression hit me this spring and while reading the many books that gave me insight into myself and my relationship with God, I made a discovery. Though I knew it was impossible to keep the law of the Old Testament and that Jesus died on the cross to abolish the law, I had tried to keep Jesus teachings in the same way as the old law. And keeping Jesus’ teachings to the letter is as impossible as keeping the old law.

There is no possible way I can “Be perfect, therefore as your heavenly Father is perfect” as Jesus taught in Matthew 5:48. The only way I am perfect is through Jesus’ blood. He alone has made my imperfect perfect.

I am enough because Jesus made me enough. My freedom is through Christ. I am free to be who God created me to be. I am worthy.
 

Therefore, I will never be the Proverbs 31 woman. My house won’t be perfect and my meals (other than taco salad) won’t be perfect. I won’t keep schedules or to-do lists. I won’t be productive in the way most define productive.

But I will be the best Gayle Gresham God created. I will rest in God’s way, not mine. I will seek Him in my way, not the way others do. I will trust Him and Him alone. Because He made me be enough.

For more on being enough, read Brenè Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

A Dappled Sky In Salida

Today I am sitting beneath the dappled sky near Salida, Colorado. Surrounded by mountains, pure, clean air and a cool breeze.

This week is set aside for writing the book about the cattle rustling story in my family history. It really helps me to be in the setting where the events took place. But I also feel such peace. At home in a place I’ve never lived, but have wonderful memories of camping in the area over the years.

This morning, as I looked up at the dappled sky, I felt centered. Everything is right with me and God. My soul is alive. My worries and anxieties are gone.

What more could I ask for?

Well, words. Words to write this story. But I keep trusting God that they will come.

Lord, Please Order My Day

“Lord, please order my day for me. I trust in You.”

As anxiety and depression took over my life, I found myself paralyzed. I couldn’t make decisions. I couldn’t even decide whether to go to the grocery store or not on a certain day! I had a to-do list each day that I woke up thinking about, agonizing over the “need to’s and should do’s.” Most of which went undone.

Several months after starting therapy, after I had learned to shut down my anxious thoughts or reframe them, I took a walk and thought about freedom, God renewing my mind, and ordering my day.

Asking God to order my day was a new thought to me. But the more I thought about it, the more I loved it!

• ·         To trust that what I do is His will
• ·         To trust that what I don’t do is His will
• ·         To live in freedom and not in chains
• ·         To live in God and not myself
• ·         To trust Him with my time, my writing, my service to Him, my relationships
• ·         To surrender my thoughts, my desires, my control, my anxieties, my depression to Him
• ·         To be aware of this trust and freedom, this new way of living

I have been asking God to order my day for two weeks now. The pressure is off! The anxiety and worries are gone. I love waking up in the morning now feeling rested and having hope and joy for my day.

My prayer this morning:

Lord, please order my day. Let what I do be your will and what I don’t do be your will. Bring the people into my day you want me to connect with. Let our interactions be your will, not mine. Keep my ego – my manipulations and desire for control out of the way. Let me be my authentic self, the one You created. Let your light shine through me today. I trust in You, in You alone.

A Time To STOP

The first thing I did when I realized I was depressed was STOP. Basically, I decided to take a vacation; a vacation from the anxious thoughts in my head and a vacation from the “shoulds” and “need to do’s” in my life to deal with the depression and anxiety.

STOP became Space, Time, Openness, and Power to me.

Space

Space became a very important concept to me. Somehow, I had boxed myself in and I needed space to find me and to find God. When I shut down the anxious thoughts and endless to-do list in my head, I began to find space. Space to think about God and space to think about me.

Time

I gave myself the gift of time: time to read, time with God, time to laugh and play with my baby granddaughter, time to take walks and see the green grass, the clouds against the blue sky, the wildflowers peeking through the grass, time to play the guitar and sing, and time to play the hammered dulcimer. I spent evenings with family and friends.

Openness

I began to open my heart again. I became open and honest with myself and aware of my thoughts. I tried to be compassionate with myself, to think of what I would say to someone else going through a hard time and tell it to myself.

Power

Realizing I was empty and weak, I depended on God for power. Not my power, but His. Not in my time, but His time. I gave up control and handed over the reins.

Stopping was the very best thing I could do for myself. I initially thought I would take a break for a week, which turned into two weeks, then a month. By the end of the month, I had learned many things about myself. My new understandings were helpful, but I realized I didn’t have the tools I needed to move forward.

That is when I contacted a counseling center to get help. And I am so glad I did.

Are You Depressed?

"Gayle, are you depressed?" my best friend asked me last week. "Depressed, no. Well, maybe a little." Then as I thought about what I had just told her - how I spent all day Wednesday deciding whether or not to go to the grocery store. I answered, "Yeah, I am depressed."

Why is it so hard to see it and admit it? I have figured for years that I have a little seasonal affective disorder. In October I am ready to hibernate and emerge in the spring. But this year, it seems to have gotten a little worse lately. I called my friend up the next day. "Gee, thanks, Vic. I may have been depressed, but I wasn't sad until you pointed it out."

For me, the red flag is decision-making. I remember going on vacation with our toddler and baby in 1990. I was supposed to be packed and ready to go when my husband,John, came home from work. He found me crying in the living room, surrounded by empty suitcases and piles of clothes. Since it was October, I couldn't decide whether to take summer clothes or sweaters to North Carolina. My dear husband said, "Well, we are driving a truck. Pack them all." And we did. While we were on vacation, I realized I probably had postpartum depression. That was my first experience with depression.

What am I going to do? Go on a daily treasure hunt for joy, happiness, grace, and love. I'm going to sit in the sun and read a good book. Go for walks with friends. Laugh and play with my grandbaby and drink in her baby smell. Take pictures of baby calves. Sing songs and play the guitar. Set up the hammered dulcimer and play it again. I am going to the mountains with my love and ride 4-wheelers. Camp with my family. Sing around the campfire. Go bowling at Bass Pro with family and friends. Read the Bible and pray. Watch The Voice with Barry and Victoria. Eat taco salad and visit with our kids. I am doing most of those things now, but I'm going to savor them, drink them in as though they are life-giving, which they are.

What am I not going to do? Worry about what I am not doing or getting done. Think I have to be doing something, anything so I can be someone or anyone. And when I am ready, I will know what is essential to my life.

(I first posted this on my Facebook profile on April 6, 2015.)