Re-discovering Creativity

I spent last weekend in Santa Fe for the Women Writing the West Conference. I looked forward to connecting with old friends, meeting new friends, and being inspired to write again. What I didn’t expect was to re-discover my creativity.

The first speaker on Friday was Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way. Julia and her book were completely new to me. This is the 25^th anniversary of the first printing of The Artist’s Way. She explained “Morning Pages” – basically, writing three pages first thing in the morning of whatever comes to mind. (I finally understand what all of my writer friends are doing when they mention morning pages on Facebook!) I bought The Artist’s Way and began my own journey of morning pages this week.

Through reading the book and writing morning pages, the first thing I’ve learned is how I have shut down my creativity. Perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking have boxed me in. My realization – Wow! I have really closed myself off to the things that matter most to me.

When I decided to write “The Book,” the project I am ten years into now, I made it my focus. I heeded the advice of other writers: write every day; get up and write first thing in the morning; keep your focus “You don’t have time for that.”

I let go of things in order to write. I started writing the book as nonfiction, changed it to creative nonfiction at the suggestion of an editor, and finally ended up at historical fiction. Historical fiction feels right. It is what I love to read. But I had never written fiction. So, I had some learning to do. I created a story arc. Other events in my life affected me and I became depressed. The pressure I put on myself for the book to be perfect began to get me and I became blocked.

Therapy helped not only my depression and anxiety, but with writing my book. In fact, that is the reason I am still seeing my therapist once a month. I am not there yet, but I know it is within reach now; especially after last weekend.

Julia Cameron writes about filling the artistic well. And I know that is where I got of track. I kept letting go of creative things I love doing because “You don’t have time for that.”

To fill the well, Julia Cameron suggests an artist’s date once a week. The first one she mentions is going to the dollar store and buying silly creative things. So, today I went to Walmart thinking I would buy a coloring book and colored pencils. I know adult coloring is the rage, but it feels silly to me. And, I know I can’t do it perfectly. Oh, just the right thing to open myself to creativity.

After finding the coloring book and pencils, I walked down the sewing aisle.

And there, on the bottom shelf, lay the most beautiful skein of royal purple yarn. 

I learned to knit when I was a child in 4-H. My mom taught me at first, later I rode the bus after school to go to my best friend’s house. After eating a peanut butter and honey sandwich, Donna and I sat knitting while listening to Waylon Jennings and other country music playing on the radio. Donna’s mother helped us when we made mistakes.

I enjoyed knitting and eventually received a grand champion ribbon for a vest I knit. I taught knitting to some younger girls in 4-H, too.

 I continued knitting off and on through the years, but half-finished projects started to wear on me. Finally, after making a mistake on a baby blanket for a friend and never finishing it, I gave up knitting twenty years ago.

Until the skein of royal purple yarn called to me. My mind flashed back to knitting with Donna, teaching others to knit and knitting during blizzards. I picked it up and caressed the soft yarn and knew I wanted to knit again. Maybe a scarf? I found knitting needles and rushed to the checkout with a smile.

At home, I found a pattern for a scarf on the Internet. It took a couple of times to get it started right. The first time I added an extra stitch and ripped it out to start over. But soon my fingers flew into knitting as though they had never stopped.  

Creativity, texture, color, memories, connection. Ahhh.

The "Wow! Look What I Did Today!" List

My to-do lists drive my daughter-in-law crazy.

I make a list on Monday and cross a couple of things off during the week. Then the next Monday, I make a new list that starts with the carry-overs from the previous week.

Yes, I can make anyone who adheres to the daily to-do list crazy.

Part of my problem, I’ve learned, is the pressure that comes with something being on the to-do list. Most people see it as a prompt to get something done. I see it as a threat. A threat to send my psyche straight down the shame-drain because I can’t do it or won’t get it done today. I now see that as “all or nothing” thinking. If I don’t do it all, I’ve failed. So I’ll do nothing.

I no longer write to-do lists. I may write down some things to remind me, but without the pressure. And, I still don’t mind if they carry over.

However, I still fall into the “all or nothing” thinking when I have something in mind to do for the day and it doesn’t get done. I’ve failed. I can’t even do the one thing I wanted to get done today. I am a failure…

I catch myself doing this most when my goal is a creative process like writing. Something that is important to me. I didn’t write a scene. I didn’t get the website copy done. I didn’t...

Yesterday, I caught myself going down the shame-drain because I didn’t write. I have decided I want to write something to move the story forward in my book every day. It is important to me. As I started down the spiral to shame, I stopped. I remembered writing a list a while back when I was feeling the same way. Instead of a to-do list, I had written a list of what I had done. Starting with making breakfast, I had written down everything I did during the day.

What surprised me is I went from thinking I had done nothing all day since I hadn’t done what I intended to do to thinking, “Wow, I was really busy today and got a lot done.” Looking at the list, I could see it was a series of choices. I had done some important things throughout the day that needed done.

When I made my list of “Wow, Look What I Accomplished” last night, I found the same thing. Most importantly, I realized I was busy, had some things that really had to be done that day and I accomplished them. Other unexpected things came up, too, which took time away from writing.

And, so I gave myself some grace and self-compassion. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow you will write. Something, anything, even if just a few words. Writing is a process where all or nothing has no place. Trust the process. Trust yourself.

Accepting Feeling Tired

It has been a year since I began seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety. A year of getting over hard things, moving forward and self-discovery.  The depression is gone. Anxiety is a bit of a different animal. Something I now realize I’ve lived with much longer than I care to acknowledge. But it also is much better.

I am still learning new things. The latest is the importance of recognizing when I am tired. What is it about saying, “I feel tired,” in our society? Even to ourselves?

The other day, after teaching children at VBS, I came home and did some more things. That evening I was physically and emotionally tired. But I still thought there were some business things I should take care of that night. Or something. Shouldn’t I always be doing or thinking about something?

But as I concentrated on the thoughts rolling around in my head, I realized I was ruminating and obsessing. Lots of “you should” and “you need to” thoughts were coming up. Along with “you never…”

I noticed a difference in how I felt. Not only was I tired, but now I was starting the spiral. You know, the spiral from feeling vulnerable (uncertain) to shame (you are not enough) to depression (why even try?).

Now, I know from experience what happens when I go down the spiral. Those thoughts would stay with me throughout the night and I would wake up the next morning with a huge helping of anxiety and depression.

This was the first time I connected being tired with going down the spiral. Being tired contributed to my run-away thoughts.

So I stopped.

• I accepted that I felt tired. Exhausted.
• I made the choice to stop my thoughts. Everything I was thinking about could wait until the morning when I wouldn’t be tired and could think more clearly.
• And I relaxed. I sat in silence watching the sunset, watched some tv with my husband, took a bath and went to bed.  And I didn’t think about anything.
• Most of all, I realized when I rest and relax when I am tired, I am treating myself with grace and compassion. 

When A Community Is Rocked By Suicide

Last Saturday, I sat in church for a service with many people from my community. None of us wanted to be there. We listened to Pastor Roger give a message around the question, “Why?” A question that will never be answered.

We all gathered together: the young man’s mother, father and stepmother. Aunts and Uncles. Cousins. Friends. Classmates. Parents of friends and classmates. Teachers. Bus drivers. Coaches. VBS teachers. Pastor. Church family.

Through tears, we watched a slideshow of pictures. Twenty-one years of life – a happy, smiling kid loving life. How do you leave out a photo when there will never be another?

After the service, we all hugged each other, bound together through grief and tears. As I hugged the young men and women from our community, I saw grief and unanswered questions in their eyes. The question, “Why,” weighs heavily.

But in the eyes of their parents, mixed with the grief, I saw fear.

Their question – “What if?”

The question and the fear are real. Made even larger in all of our minds because this is our tiny community’s fourth young adult to take his own life in the past 3 ½ years.

My first inclination is to fix our community. Fix all of the problems in the school, the churches, and the community organizations. Because, really, aren’t we all responsible for these young lives? Let’s point fingers and blame each other. Set up more programs. Fix it.

But then I thought of my own struggles with anxiety and depression. Pointing fingers and blaming others have done nothing to help me. Thinking I have any control to fix my community is futile.

The only person I have any control over is me. Not my husband, not my kids, not my extended family, not the people in the church, the school, or the community organizations. I only have control over me.

But my actions can change my community. I will engage with my community. I will build relationships. Connect with friends. Build trust. And hope.

I will live an authentic life. I will speak well of people. I will share my faith.

I will make the difficult phone call when someone is hurting. I will show up. Not to fix, but to love.

I will reach out to a trusted friend when I find myself sinking into depression or when anxiety hijacks my thoughts. I will name my emotions, try to understand them, and accept them instead of burying or numbing my emotions. I will seek counseling when I need more tools to move through depression and anxiety.

My hope in living an authentic and wholehearted life is to encourage both the young adults and the parents that there is hope. You are not alone. I struggle, but by being courageous, leaning on my faith in God, learning to know myself and gaining the tools I needed through seven months of counseling, I can live my life. Not someone else’s. My life.

My 3:00 a.m. Worry Time

3:00 a.m. – my worry time. I have learned 3:00 a.m. is also known as the “Witching Hour” or “Devil’s Time.” Hmm, sounds about right.

I awake from a deep sleep with anxiety. Sometimes a worry will pop into my mind without me even thinking it. If not, I will find one. Then I lie in bed and worry, like a dog with a bone.

Prayer seems like a good way to handle it. If I just pray about whatever I am worrying about, the worry will go away. Right?

Wrong. When I pray, I find I am just worrying over the problem in prayer. I don’t turn it over to God. I tell Him what He ought to do and how He ought to do it. Along with a deadline. Please, Lord?

When I am done praying, I don’t feel any differently than when I spent the time worrying.

My daughter recently moved across the country. I am happy and excited for her! But, I am a mom. And now I find my daughter on my mind when I wake at 3:00 a.m.

When I realized my prayers of worry and control were doing neither her nor me any good, I remembered some words a friend told me after a fearful time in my life.

In 1995, my husband, John, was accidently injured while working as a lineman for a rural electric company. A hot wire came in contact with the guy wire John was tying off on the ground. 7200 volts of electricity went through his body. The ER doctor met me at the door of the emergency room and told me they were monitoring his heart and kidneys for damage. John had a couple of bad burns on his fingers where the electricity entered his body. Thankfully, he recovered without any lasting damage. But I didn’t handle it so well.

I could no longer believe that God would protect my loved ones. I struggled when John returned to work. Would he walk through the door that night? I talked to my friend, Betty Johnson, about my anger towards God and my questions of why He didn’t protect John.

And I will never forget what Betty said: “Gayle, God never promised complete protection for your loved ones, but He does promise to be with you through whatever happens in life.”

God will be with me. He will never leave me alone.

Because of this, I can pray, “I trust you, Lord.”

This has become my go-to prayer when I begin to worry. I whisper the words, “I trust you, Lord” when I feel fearful. It is what I pray when I want to control a person or a situation.

I have learned that worry and fear are about control – ironically, the outcomes over which I usually have no control. How silly I am to think things should happen the way I think they should. Or that people should act the way I think they should.

Now when I wake up at 3:00 a.m. with worries, I have a routine:

Capture the thought. Rather than letting my thoughts go like a runaway train, I capture the thought, the worry. I make myself aware of it. Then I ask,

Is it rational or irrational? Once again, this is awareness. If I realize the thought is irrational (out of proportion, making something catastrophic or making leaps in logic); I stop it. I tell myself it is irrational and I will no longer think about it.

Do I have any control or not? If the thought is rational, I ask myself if I have any control over the situation or not. If yes, I can decide on one action to take during the day and leave it at that. If not, then I pray

“I trust you, Lord.” I trust that God, in His infinite wisdom, has a plan. I trust that He is in control. Not me. Him. And no matter what happens, I will still trust in God’s love, kindness, and mercy.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)

P.S.  This routine also works during the day!

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

Where I do some of  my best thinking - the drive home from therapy

After writing Reconnecting with Community two weeks ago, I prepared to post it to the blog. The cursor hovered over the “publish” button and I hesitated. The post was very personal. It could make some people in my community feel uncomfortable. I read it over again to be sure that I wrote authentically—without an agenda, without trying to control an outcome.

Yes, it reflected who I am and what I value. I hit “publish.”

Encouraging comments began to appear on Facebook and on the blog. The post had value to others. But, as the week went on, I began to feel uncertain about it. What do other people in my community think of me? What are they saying? “Did you read Gayle’s blog? Why would she write that? Why is she dragging up things in the past?” Or, “She sure is good at playing the victim.”

I recognized the feeling of uncertainty as vulnerability (thanks to Brené Brown’s books). I am learning that when I feel vulnerable, shame rushes in to fill the void.

When I saw my therapist last week, we spent time talking about my feelings and my vulnerability. Dr. Anna reminded me (as she often does) that other people’s thoughts and actions are beyond my control. She asked, “How do you know what they are thinking? Does it matter what they are saying? Does it change who you are?”

It was a really good session and made me think. But the Big Realization hit me on the drive home: What I think others are thinking and saying is what I would be thinking or saying if I was in their place.

Those are the things I think about others when I am feeling defensive and hurt. I would play the blame and shame game in my head or even say it to my friends and family. I would think they are playing the victim and it would make me feel angry.

Whoa! The “good girl” inside of me doesn’t want to think I can be mean, insensitive or flat-out judgmental. And, yet, I recognized my thoughts. My thoughts, not what other people are saying. My thoughts.

Then I realized it isn’t necessarily what other people have thought or said that makes me feel shame; it is what I think and say to myself that opens the trapdoor into the sea of shame.

In other words, I judge myself in the same manner as I judge other people.

In Matthew 7:1-2 Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

I always took this to mean when Judgement Day comes, I’ll be judged in the manner I’ve judged others. But, it is mind-blowing to realize I judge myself with the same measure I judge others. And I can never measure up. How can I expect it of others?

It’s the same as “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). If I don’t love myself and treat myself with respect, lovingkindness and compassion, how can I love others?

I went back and read Chapter 6 in Rising Strong again. No surprise there. Brené Brown wrote that the people who didn’t think others were doing the best they could “judged their efforts in the same exacting manner that they judged the efforts of others.” She noticed these were the same group of people who struggled with perfectionism.

Today I showed Dr. Anna what I had written in this post to this point. I hadn’t finished it. I had a week full of revelations that I shared with her, which I’ll be sharing with you in the future.

Once again, my mind opened up more on the drive home and I had these thoughts:

           

• It is easier to judge and avoid connection than to connect and work through conflict.   
• Avoiding Connection = Avoiding Conflict
•  The opposite of judgement is acceptance.

I’ve got more wrestling or “rumbling” (Brené Brown’s word) to do…

Who I Am

Who I Am

I am darkness and light.

I am perfect and imperfect.

I am shy and outgoing.

I am music and silence.

I am joy and sadness.

I am saved. And I am a sinner.

I am weak and strong.

I am courage and fear.

I am love and hatred.

I am judgment and grace.

I am selfless and selfish.

I am human.

And when I acknowledge, embrace and integrate all that I am,

Instead of denying, hiding, covering, or running,

I am me. All of me.

(copyright 2015 Gayle Gresham)

Reconnecting With Community

Cape Canaveral Beach, Florida where I spent last weekend with my daughter

Some situations in our community the past couple of years left me and my family feeling singled out, rejected, and talked about. In one word – ostracized.

After these situations, I ventured out to the Christmas Bazaar last fall with my daughter, daughter-in-law and grandbaby, feeling vulnerable, but trying to be brave. Most people were friendly and spoke to me. One woman wouldn’t say “hi” back to me when I said hello. But the woman beside her came around the table, hugged me and made a fuss over my grandbaby. Thank you, again, for your kindness. One lady turned away from my girls when she saw them. This broke my heart when they told me about it.

Whether the ostracism was real or perceived, the result was the same. I withdrew. My family withdrew.

We withdrew from the community where John was born and raised and where our children were born and raised; the place where we have lived 28 out of the 30 years of marriage; and where we have been involved over the years in the school, library, 4-H, fire department, and church.

I am writing this, not for you to feel sorry for me. I am writing because I know I am not alone. If there is one thing I know about my community and your community, it is that there are many wounded hearts, people who have been shunned or who feel ostracized from their community.

 

It isn’t something we like to think about.

It’s easier to explain away why someone doesn’t fit into our community. Sins become scarlet letters, which makes it OK to talk about someone and tell everyone else what they’ve done. We label people because it is easier to label someone than work to get to know them for who they are. Personal lives are treated like the soap opera on television, “Did you hear about so-and-so? Can you believe it?”

Is it any wonder so many of us hide out and stay away from community?

Or, we flat out have a feud. We try to control what others think. We draw people to our side by telling them how bad those other people are. We have a verbal shoot-out in a public meeting.

The result? Either we have power and do everything we can to keep control. Or we withdraw. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.

Well, I’m tired of eating worms. Worms infiltrate your system with hatred, bitterness, loneliness and rejection.

Last week, I stepped out and returned to the Book Club at the library. It had been over a year since I had attended a meeting. The women welcomed me back with hugs and smiles. And graciously forgave me when I spent much of the meeting talking with the new branch manager of the library.

It felt good to be with a group of community members and to be accepted as I am – broken, hurt, vulnerable, but striving to be brave and courageous.

Last week I read Brené Brown’s latest book, Rising Strong. Her words define what I am feeling and inspire me to keep muddling through and finding the ability to rise strong. But Chapter Six, “Sewer Rats and Scofflaws” stunned me. In this chapter Brené shares a situation with another person in which she felt very uncomfortable. Her therapist asks, “What if that woman was doing the best she could that weekend?” Brené struggled with this idea.

Brené asked her husband, “Do you think, in general, that people are doing the best that they can?”

He answered after much thought, “I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”

Read his response again. “My life is better when…”

How will our lives change when we assume people are doing their best? What will happen if we stop judging and accept people for who they are at that moment? How do we focus on what is instead of what should be or could be?

Looking back at my experience at the Christmas Bazaar, I know the pain of rejection was real. I experienced it and I felt it. The rejection devastated me. My thoughts ran with what should be or could be. She should have said hi to me. She could have stepped forward and spoken to my girls. She should have fussed over my grandbaby.

But what if each lady was doing the best she could at that moment? It doesn’t make the rejection any easier, but it makes my judgment a little less. If I can accept those moments for what they were without dwelling on what they should have been, then I can let go of the pain and anger I’ve held for a year.

I am doing the best I can. 

A Blue Day

Today is a gloomy, cloudy day. Even Pikes Peak has the blues.
But I don’t. And that makes me smile!

A month ago, the weather would have affected me and I would have been down in the dumps. But, my Vitamin D levels must be where they need to be and therapy is obviously working. I feel normal and engaged in life without any depression today. Hallelujah!

This doesn’t mean I never have a blue day anymore. In fact, I had one a little over a week ago on a sunny day. And I learned something from it.

When we are recovering from depression, a down day can make us think, “Here I go again, back into depression. Will it ever go away?”

My therapist explained that the brain remembers the path it’s been down to depression, and once it has been down that path, it’s easier for the brain to go there. But, it doesn’t have to stay there.

On the day I was depressed, I left my house at 6:00 a.m. to take a friend of a friend to the airport in Colorado Springs. I was a little bit anxious about driving because I hadn’t driven to the Springs airport in many years. Everything went fine and I was home by 8:00 a.m. I sat down and fell asleep, woke up at 9:00 and felt blah. Kate left the house to go somewhere with a friend. I felt a little more blah.

By 10:00, I was just plain depressed. I did the things I know to do to cope with depression. I ate breakfast and lunch. Took my vitamins and supplements. Spent some time with God in silence and prayer. Got outside and took a walk enjoying the sunshine. But, the cloud of depression didn’t lift.

I thought, “Okay. Today I am depressed. So, I’ll just be depressed.”

And that’s what I did. I gave myself the grace I needed to accept that I would be depressed that day. I realized that going to the airport early that morning threw me off and had made me anxious. Kate’s leaving when I’d thought she’d be home had made me feel lonely.

I did what needed done that day and didn’t worry about what didn’t get done. I felt the depression and lived with it. I didn’t make it out to be worse than it was and I didn’t panic because I felt depressed.  Later in the afternoon, I watched a movie, something I don’t do very often by myself. But I enjoyed it and didn’t lay on the guilt for watching it.

John came home from work and Kate came home. I related that I’d been pretty depressed, but I didn’t run myself down for it. Just said that’s the way it was. Hopefully, the next day I’d be normal again.

I got a good night’s sleep and woke up the next morning feeling fine.
    

Looking back, the one thing I would do differently is call a friend and go out for lunch. That may have helped my loneliness and bumped me out of depression.

Accepting a day of depression seemed to take the power away from the depression. If I accepted it, I didn’t have to feed it with feelings of unworthiness or worthlessness. I examined my emotions and understood why I felt the way I did and it is okay to feel that way.

A blue day can be just that—a blue day. Nothing more, nothing less.

Where Anxiety and Depression Meet

Every once in a while, I open up my journal and look back at where I was when I started this journey. Wow, I have come a long way.

Today I thought I’d share one of my early journal entries. I had told my therapist that I feel really anxious when I woke up in the morning. Dr. Anna had asked me to write down an example of how I talked to myself. Easier said than done. It took several days to be aware of what I was saying to myself. But, then early one morning I caught myself.

I get up at 5:45 a.m. to make my husband breakfast and pack his lunch and then I go back to bed, because I am NOT a morning person. But, for some reason, I thought I should be.
 
On May 20^th, I became aware of what I was thinking as I made John’s lunch. And I sat down and wrote it out after he left for work.

5/20

Lots of negative self-talk this morning. I want to go back to bed. But I’ve got lots to get done. I’ll go back to be and get up at 7:00. Yeah, right. You’ll sleep ‘til 8:00. You won’t get anything done anyway. I need a schedule or a routine. You never keep a schedule. You never do what you plan to do. You’ll plan it, but there’s always some reason you won’t do it. You never finish anything. If you schedule something, you’ll talk yourself out of it.

This is one paragraph of it. I remember sitting in shock after writing it. Did I really talk to myself that way? I wouldn’t talk like that to anyone else. There are two pages of this in my journal going over every task I needed to complete that day. No wonder I woke up feeling anxious! This verbal tennis match running in my head occurred every morning before I got out of bed and continued after I got up.

The first thing Dr. Anna did was give me permission to go back to bed and sleep. I obviously need my sleep. Sleep is important if you are depressed (and she said I wasn’t getting too much sleep –another symptom of depression). And, she gave me only one task for each day. My only check-box to mark is “What is your mood?” She also taught me to stop my thoughts. Realizing my thoughts were not normal or good helped me to stop them.

I learned to challenge a thought and ask its value. Is it true or not true? What’s the worst that can happen? What’s the best?

Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, talks about scarcity – the thinking that we are never enough. She quotes Lynne Twist (author of The Soul of Money), “Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something.”

I am enough. I don’t do things just like everyone else. I am learning to be myself and be comfortable with me. And the verbal tennis match in my head has stopped.

Related posts:

 A Time To STOP

Adjusting To Change

Last week, John and I spent the week in the mountains after a family camp-out over Labor Day weekend. We rode our 4-wheeler of Lost Canyon Road up above Twin Lakes and we rode over Tincup Pass. Fall is in the air and appearing in the aspen trees. So relaxing and peaceful. And then on Friday and Saturday we enjoyed camping at Camp Como with some of our church family.

I knew change loomed ahead and my 3:00 a.m. worry time woke me up on Saturday morning. Our adult daughter, Kate, would be moving in with us on Sunday. Kate sold her house and quit her job to begin a new chapter in her life with a move to another state in the future. But, for a couple of months, Kate, along with her 2 dogs and 1 cat, will be living with us.

What will this change do to my life? How will I adjust to the upset in the balance? How will this affect my depression and anxiety? So many questions and not many answers.

We moved Kate in on Sunday and she closed on her house Monday. Today I woke up at 9:00 a.m. from a dead sleep. I felt like I could have slept all day. And, I still have sore muscles from the packing and moving.

When you have suffered from depression, it’s easy to think on a down day you are slipping back into depression. But I have learned from my therapist to label my feelings and realize they are feelings and not necessarily depression. And it is okay to feel my feelings.

So, I knew I was exhausted and had good reason to be – both physically and emotionally. Feeling tired is not depression. I feel a little sad and unsettled. My home, my space that I value, is more chaotic with the animals adjusting to each other. Right this minute, I have a Yellow Lab and a German Shepherd mix wrestling in my living room. It’s not my normal quiet, calm space. Boxes are stacked everywhere, until Kate arranges for more storage.

Kate is also adjusting to her changes and I want to support her. We are dancing the dance that mothers and daughters do when daughters are grown. I try not to be the parent and tell her what to do. And she tries not to be defensive when I say something. Our bond is a delicate thread to treasure, not to break. We both know communication is the key.

I will give myself grace. I will give Kate grace. And I will give John grace as he adjusts, too. This isn’t permanent. In the next couple of months I will enjoy my daughter and our relationship. Rather than wishing for peace and quiet, I will embrace the here and now. I know what I need to do to take care of myself. I will find my space and my quiet, even if it is in the camper. Kate and I will enjoy walks together. And, I’ll enjoy walks by myself. We will go places and have fun together. 

I will treasure this time…before the next big change.

All or Nothing Mentality

I painted my back deck last Friday.

Painting is not one of my favorite things. In fact, it’s about my least favorite thing to do. When I lift my arms above my head, I pass out. And I have a bum wrist. Throw in a heap of perfectionism. Yeah, I don’t paint.

But, for some reason, I can paint a deck. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t have to be perfect. Or, it’s because I can finish it in an hour or two and don’t have to lift my arms. And, I had a motive – I wanted a pretty place to sit and eat breakfast out in the sunshine.

I opened the bucket of paint and rolled a swipe of paint. Uh-oh. The barn red paint was more raspberry sherbet color. Oh, well. It will dry darker. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I finished the deck, but still had to paint the steps and railing. And, decide whether or not to paint the dog house raspberry red.

Saturday morning I painted again. It was a struggle to get going, but I did. I started painting the dog house and thought about my “all or nothing” mentality. Why do I think I have to be able to finish a project in one day? Why is it so hard to get it going again the next day?

I learned about my “all or nothing” mentality earlier this summer when I decided to practice my hammered dulcimer 30 minutes every day. I set my timer every day and played for 30 minutes. I saw it as a challenge to improve, not as a “should do.” But one day I didn’t have 30 minutes of time before a busy day. I only had 20 minutes. My first thought was, “If I can’t play for 30 minutes, then I don’t have time to do it.” All or nothing. Then, I realized how ridiculous that was. I played for 20 minutes and enjoyed it!

Much of my “all or nothing” mentality is my personality. I recently read the INFP’s prayer is “Lord, please help me finish what I sta…” Ha-ha! Yep, that’s me! If I don’t get all of it done right then, there’s a good chance it will never get finished. I also know I learn from whole to part and that is the way I work, too. It’s hard for me to break things down into increments and work consistently.

This is why it was totally conceivable for me to think I could write the second half of my book during a week’s writing retreat. When I only wrote one chapter, I gave myself grace and a high-five.

Becoming aware of when I am in “all or nothing” mentality, making a choice to do a part of it instead of all, and giving myself grace are new steps for me. Steps I will continue to take.

Oh, and I did finish painting. How do you like my raspberry-red deck? Come join me for a glass of iced tea.

A Rainy Day Plan

Yesterday was cloudy. All day long.

When I saw my therapist, Dr. Anna joked that maybe I had “Weather” Affective Disorder. She can tell whether it is sunny or cloudy just by looking at my face.
And I can feel it.

My depression is so much better. On sunny days, I don’t feel it or think about it. But on a cloudy day, it is there. Dr. Anna shared an illustration of depression being like water in a glass. My mood will stay above the water line and I will feel normal on a sunny day. But on a cloudy or rainy day, my mood dips below the water line. It doesn’t plunge me to the depths, but it dips enough that it changes how I feel.

Dr. Anna suggested I make a Rainy Day Plan when I first started seeing her.

This is my plan:

• Sleep well. In fact, sleep in if I want to.
• Drink a glass of water as soon as I get up. Drink 8 glasses of water throughout the day.
• Eat a good breakfast with protein.
• Take my vitamins.
• Use my Joy essential oils. A sweet friend mixed this for me and gave it to me when she learned of my depression. Every time I apply the oils, I think of her friendship and her kindness. It gives me joy and makes me feel better.
• Take a walk. Take a walk even if it is raining. Be mindful of the smells, the green grass, the flowers, the crunch of the gravel under my shoe. I also try to take a walk after a storm. It will instantly lift my mood.
• Read a good book.
• Create space for God. A time to be silent, to read a verse or two, to pray if I feel like it.
• Call a friend and visit.
• Play the hammered dulcimer or guitar.

Most of the things I do every day. On rainy days, I am intentional about doing them. I am intentional about giving myself grace and caring for myself.

Do you have a plan for days you feel depressed? What helps you?

The Sun, Me and Vitamin D

Sunrise from my home

We had a wet, cold, cloudy, dreary late spring and early summer here in Colorado. In May, we had 14 inches of rain – a far cry from our normal 2.13 inches. Now, I am not complaining. After years of drought and fires, the green grass and full ponds are so refreshing.

However, this was the time when depression came upon me full force.

I could feel the weight of depression descend upon me on a cloudy, rainy day. And, I could feel it lift when I walked outside into the sunlight on a sunny day.

I began taking a 45 minute walk every day the sun was shining. As it warmed up, I wore shorts and a tank top. I could instantly feel a change in how I felt as the sun’s rays hit my skin. And I began spending more time outside just to feel better.

At the end of June, I had my appointment with my family doctor. One of the tests she ran was on my vitamin D level, which came back low. She instructed me to increase my vitamin D intake with supplements. Which I have done.

What amazes me is the difference I can tell since I significantly increased my vitamin D intake. Although I still like walking in the sunshine, I don’t have the sensation of needing to soak it in to feel better. I feel better anyway.

If you are feeling depressed, be sure to consult your doctor and ask to have your vitamin D level checked. It sure made a difference for me!

Lord, Please Order My Day

“Lord, please order my day for me. I trust in You.”

As anxiety and depression took over my life, I found myself paralyzed. I couldn’t make decisions. I couldn’t even decide whether to go to the grocery store or not on a certain day! I had a to-do list each day that I woke up thinking about, agonizing over the “need to’s and should do’s.” Most of which went undone.

Several months after starting therapy, after I had learned to shut down my anxious thoughts or reframe them, I took a walk and thought about freedom, God renewing my mind, and ordering my day.

Asking God to order my day was a new thought to me. But the more I thought about it, the more I loved it!

• ·         To trust that what I do is His will
• ·         To trust that what I don’t do is His will
• ·         To live in freedom and not in chains
• ·         To live in God and not myself
• ·         To trust Him with my time, my writing, my service to Him, my relationships
• ·         To surrender my thoughts, my desires, my control, my anxieties, my depression to Him
• ·         To be aware of this trust and freedom, this new way of living

I have been asking God to order my day for two weeks now. The pressure is off! The anxiety and worries are gone. I love waking up in the morning now feeling rested and having hope and joy for my day.

My prayer this morning:

Lord, please order my day. Let what I do be your will and what I don’t do be your will. Bring the people into my day you want me to connect with. Let our interactions be your will, not mine. Keep my ego – my manipulations and desire for control out of the way. Let me be my authentic self, the one You created. Let your light shine through me today. I trust in You, in You alone.