The "Wow! Look What I Did Today!" List

My to-do lists drive my daughter-in-law crazy.

I make a list on Monday and cross a couple of things off during the week. Then the next Monday, I make a new list that starts with the carry-overs from the previous week.

Yes, I can make anyone who adheres to the daily to-do list crazy.

Part of my problem, I’ve learned, is the pressure that comes with something being on the to-do list. Most people see it as a prompt to get something done. I see it as a threat. A threat to send my psyche straight down the shame-drain because I can’t do it or won’t get it done today. I now see that as “all or nothing” thinking. If I don’t do it all, I’ve failed. So I’ll do nothing.

I no longer write to-do lists. I may write down some things to remind me, but without the pressure. And, I still don’t mind if they carry over.

However, I still fall into the “all or nothing” thinking when I have something in mind to do for the day and it doesn’t get done. I’ve failed. I can’t even do the one thing I wanted to get done today. I am a failure…

I catch myself doing this most when my goal is a creative process like writing. Something that is important to me. I didn’t write a scene. I didn’t get the website copy done. I didn’t...

Yesterday, I caught myself going down the shame-drain because I didn’t write. I have decided I want to write something to move the story forward in my book every day. It is important to me. As I started down the spiral to shame, I stopped. I remembered writing a list a while back when I was feeling the same way. Instead of a to-do list, I had written a list of what I had done. Starting with making breakfast, I had written down everything I did during the day.

What surprised me is I went from thinking I had done nothing all day since I hadn’t done what I intended to do to thinking, “Wow, I was really busy today and got a lot done.” Looking at the list, I could see it was a series of choices. I had done some important things throughout the day that needed done.

When I made my list of “Wow, Look What I Accomplished” last night, I found the same thing. Most importantly, I realized I was busy, had some things that really had to be done that day and I accomplished them. Other unexpected things came up, too, which took time away from writing.

And, so I gave myself some grace and self-compassion. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow you will write. Something, anything, even if just a few words. Writing is a process where all or nothing has no place. Trust the process. Trust yourself.

All or Nothing Mentality

I painted my back deck last Friday.

Painting is not one of my favorite things. In fact, it’s about my least favorite thing to do. When I lift my arms above my head, I pass out. And I have a bum wrist. Throw in a heap of perfectionism. Yeah, I don’t paint.

But, for some reason, I can paint a deck. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t have to be perfect. Or, it’s because I can finish it in an hour or two and don’t have to lift my arms. And, I had a motive – I wanted a pretty place to sit and eat breakfast out in the sunshine.

I opened the bucket of paint and rolled a swipe of paint. Uh-oh. The barn red paint was more raspberry sherbet color. Oh, well. It will dry darker. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I finished the deck, but still had to paint the steps and railing. And, decide whether or not to paint the dog house raspberry red.

Saturday morning I painted again. It was a struggle to get going, but I did. I started painting the dog house and thought about my “all or nothing” mentality. Why do I think I have to be able to finish a project in one day? Why is it so hard to get it going again the next day?

I learned about my “all or nothing” mentality earlier this summer when I decided to practice my hammered dulcimer 30 minutes every day. I set my timer every day and played for 30 minutes. I saw it as a challenge to improve, not as a “should do.” But one day I didn’t have 30 minutes of time before a busy day. I only had 20 minutes. My first thought was, “If I can’t play for 30 minutes, then I don’t have time to do it.” All or nothing. Then, I realized how ridiculous that was. I played for 20 minutes and enjoyed it!

Much of my “all or nothing” mentality is my personality. I recently read the INFP’s prayer is “Lord, please help me finish what I sta…” Ha-ha! Yep, that’s me! If I don’t get all of it done right then, there’s a good chance it will never get finished. I also know I learn from whole to part and that is the way I work, too. It’s hard for me to break things down into increments and work consistently.

This is why it was totally conceivable for me to think I could write the second half of my book during a week’s writing retreat. When I only wrote one chapter, I gave myself grace and a high-five.

Becoming aware of when I am in “all or nothing” mentality, making a choice to do a part of it instead of all, and giving myself grace are new steps for me. Steps I will continue to take.

Oh, and I did finish painting. How do you like my raspberry-red deck? Come join me for a glass of iced tea.

Lord, Please Order My Day

“Lord, please order my day for me. I trust in You.”

As anxiety and depression took over my life, I found myself paralyzed. I couldn’t make decisions. I couldn’t even decide whether to go to the grocery store or not on a certain day! I had a to-do list each day that I woke up thinking about, agonizing over the “need to’s and should do’s.” Most of which went undone.

Several months after starting therapy, after I had learned to shut down my anxious thoughts or reframe them, I took a walk and thought about freedom, God renewing my mind, and ordering my day.

Asking God to order my day was a new thought to me. But the more I thought about it, the more I loved it!

• ·         To trust that what I do is His will
• ·         To trust that what I don’t do is His will
• ·         To live in freedom and not in chains
• ·         To live in God and not myself
• ·         To trust Him with my time, my writing, my service to Him, my relationships
• ·         To surrender my thoughts, my desires, my control, my anxieties, my depression to Him
• ·         To be aware of this trust and freedom, this new way of living

I have been asking God to order my day for two weeks now. The pressure is off! The anxiety and worries are gone. I love waking up in the morning now feeling rested and having hope and joy for my day.

My prayer this morning:

Lord, please order my day. Let what I do be your will and what I don’t do be your will. Bring the people into my day you want me to connect with. Let our interactions be your will, not mine. Keep my ego – my manipulations and desire for control out of the way. Let me be my authentic self, the one You created. Let your light shine through me today. I trust in You, in You alone.

Are You Depressed?

"Gayle, are you depressed?" my best friend asked me last week. "Depressed, no. Well, maybe a little." Then as I thought about what I had just told her - how I spent all day Wednesday deciding whether or not to go to the grocery store. I answered, "Yeah, I am depressed."

Why is it so hard to see it and admit it? I have figured for years that I have a little seasonal affective disorder. In October I am ready to hibernate and emerge in the spring. But this year, it seems to have gotten a little worse lately. I called my friend up the next day. "Gee, thanks, Vic. I may have been depressed, but I wasn't sad until you pointed it out."

For me, the red flag is decision-making. I remember going on vacation with our toddler and baby in 1990. I was supposed to be packed and ready to go when my husband,John, came home from work. He found me crying in the living room, surrounded by empty suitcases and piles of clothes. Since it was October, I couldn't decide whether to take summer clothes or sweaters to North Carolina. My dear husband said, "Well, we are driving a truck. Pack them all." And we did. While we were on vacation, I realized I probably had postpartum depression. That was my first experience with depression.

What am I going to do? Go on a daily treasure hunt for joy, happiness, grace, and love. I'm going to sit in the sun and read a good book. Go for walks with friends. Laugh and play with my grandbaby and drink in her baby smell. Take pictures of baby calves. Sing songs and play the guitar. Set up the hammered dulcimer and play it again. I am going to the mountains with my love and ride 4-wheelers. Camp with my family. Sing around the campfire. Go bowling at Bass Pro with family and friends. Read the Bible and pray. Watch The Voice with Barry and Victoria. Eat taco salad and visit with our kids. I am doing most of those things now, but I'm going to savor them, drink them in as though they are life-giving, which they are.

What am I not going to do? Worry about what I am not doing or getting done. Think I have to be doing something, anything so I can be someone or anyone. And when I am ready, I will know what is essential to my life.

(I first posted this on my Facebook profile on April 6, 2015.)