I took this photo of the sunflower during my morning walk last week. Not your typical sunflower along the country road. This plant had only grown a couple of inches off the ground because of the drought. Yet, it still bloomed. It reminded me that even when our circumstances are not perfect, we can still bloom (flourish and thrive according to Dictionary.com).
Last week, I was not thriving. I was being a couch-potato. Playing Sudoku over and over on my iPad. Scrolling through Facebook. Taking naps. Thinking I was writing my book all wrong. Thinking I am a bad friend. Thinking what's the use of having nice things when a hail storm destroys them. Thinking it's too hard to go to the grocery store. I'll wait. Thinking I can't even turn on the TV and watch the morning news like I used to do. All they talk about is COVID-19 and riots.
You get it, don't you?
I couldn't sleep Saturday night and I got up to journal. I wrote about what was going on in my life like the celebration of life we went to that day for my nephew who died in an accident in March. It was good to remember Mark with friends. But it was also hard to go through it again. I wrote about a friendship that is torn, can it be mended? I can only hope and pray. About our church and people who are hurting. About the hail storm that came through and totaled our camper and broke windows in the house. About writing my book and a question that came up.
The last line I wrote - "Maybe I need to see Dr. Anna this week."
By writing it all down, I began to see my pattern of depression. I tend to be able to handle hard things when they come one at a time. When I've got more than three hard things stacking up, that's when I start sliding down into depression. I noticed my red flags - sitting on the couch playing Sudoku, not going to the grocery store when I needed to, questioning myself about everything like writing the book, and sending an e-mail for help writing the book because I wanted someone to tell me what to do.
The first thing I did this morning was make an appointment with Dr. Anna. And I called and talked to a friend I haven't talked to in months. I am thankful for friendships that pick up right where we left off. I took my morning walk. A car stopped and I chatted with the couple I hadn't met before. They asked where I lived and I told them. "Oh, the place with the cute picnic table!" "Yes, the Turquoise Table," and I told them the story about it.
Maybe you are finding yourself in the same place as me. Maybe you are being a couch potato. Or napping to avoid making decisions. Or beating yourself up. Or... whatever your red flags are for depression and anxiety.
You are not alone.
Once you recognize you are in a hole, do something. Call your counselor or find a counselor. Call a friend. Each small step of action leads to more action. Take a walk. Play basketball. Dance to music. Play an instrument. Sing! If you need rest, rest. Give yourself some grace.
It's possible to bloom in hard times. Just ask the sunflower.
P.S. I've shared lots of ways to get through depression and anxiety on this blog. You are welcome to scroll through and find some encouragement. http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/
In early March, I had a conversation with Dr. Anna. I told her about this great book, The Atomic Habit, by James Clear, and about the wonderful habits I now had in place. Me, the person who never does the same thing at the same time more than twice. I told her how I got up, made breakfast, unloaded the dishwasher while I made my coffee, read my daily Bible reading while I ate breakfast, then put my shoes on to walk on the treadmill. Habit-stacking at its best! And, I worked on my book every night at 10:30, after I made my Harney and Sons Hot Cinnamon Sunset tea (my cue to write). I had begun to enjoy the order these habits brought to my life and the feeling of accomplishment.
But, I soon learned a life of habits does not guarantee happiness. I had a sinus infection with a cough for several weeks, so I didn't walk on the treadmill while I was sick. Finally, I felt better and decided it was time to get back into my routine. I made my breakfast, unloaded the dishwasher, read the Bible, laced up my walking shoes and stepped onto the treadmill. When I turned it on it beeped in a way it hadn't before and then nothing. The belt didn't move. I turned it off and on, unplugged it and plugged it back in, I even removed the cover and cleaned around the motor. John worked on it, too. Still nothing.
It snowed. It rained. The wind blew. Typical March in Colorado. I am a fair weather walker. The days went by and I found myself getting more and more depressed. My knee started hurting.
I even begged God to miraculously resurrect my treadmill. I turned it on. Nothing.
Colorado was now under the Stay-At-Home order for the Corona Virus. I couldn't take the treadmill somewhere to be worked on or go out and buy a new one. I thought about ordering one online.
Throughout the days my mind kept repeating one question. Why? Why did the treadmill quit now, of all times? I'd been sick, we'd had tragic losses in our family, March is a time when I struggle with depression with its dreary weather, and now we had the fear of the Corona Virus and isolation with the Stay-At-Home order. It also seemed as though all of my self-care routines that worked well for me were taken from me. I'd had to cut back my Vitamin D because my levels were too high when I had my physical. I can definitely tell a difference in my moods when I don't have enough Vitamin D.
Finally, one morning it hit me. I had to accept that the treadmill was not going to run again. I had to stop questioning why this was happening to me. Stop my mind from running through the whys, the blame, and the self-pity. Thinking about it was getting me nowhere. Well, that's not true. It was taking me on a one-way trip to depression.
So, I accepted it. Accepted the reality that the treadmill was broke.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."
It is funny how acceptance opens the way for new things to come in. I started doing some exercises. Danced around the living room one day. Picked up my hula-hoop and hooped to some good music. I walked outside in the wind and the cold on the first sunny day. And I enjoyed it. I am still more of a fair weather walker, but I will get out even for a short walk on dreary days.
I am back in the habit of my morning routine finishing with a walk outside, but not quite as fanatically as I was before. Routine is good, but not when it becomes an idol. I saw this connection when I looked back at this post from 2018 - The Idol of Perfection
5 years ago, I realized I was depressed and began the journey I blog about on Beneath A Dappled Sky. I've shared my ups and downs. What works and what doesn't work. I still visit my therapist, Dr. Anna, once a month. One month I share all of the wonderful progress I've made in triumphing over perfectionism, then the next I may be coping with something in my life that makes me feel as though I am starting over. It is a journey.
We are all on a journey we've never been on before as we travel through the Corona Virus Pandemic of 2020. I've struggled a little with depression and anxiety again because life, both good and bad, continues to happen even during a pandemic.
2020 has been a hard year for my family. We mourned the loss of my mother-in-law who passed away on New Year's Eve, 2019. Then, my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend died in a motorcycle accident on March 15 - the week Colorado was told not to gather in groups of more than 10 people. A small family service was held. Overwhelming grief shows up on days we don't expect it. And then more life happens, good and bad.
The pandemic seems to magnify everything. We stay home in isolation. We live in fear of Covid-19. We go to the grocery store where shelves were empty. We almost ran out of toilet paper! Now we wear masks when we go to the store. When fear ramps up, I play the hammered dulcimer, read a book, or take a walk. I miss seeing my grandchildren several times a week, but I am thankful for video chats.
Today Colorado moved from a Stay-At-Home order to Safer-At-Home. Restrictions loosened a little. I went to my hair stylist and got my hair done today! Little things make a difference. I still look forward to the day when I can meet a friend at a restaurant and visit.
It seems like a good time to write more blog posts for Beneath A Dappled Sky. Because one thing about life is we keep on going. And a time like this can be a time to learn and grow.
