I took this photo of the sunflower during my morning walk last week. Not your typical sunflower along the country road. This plant had only grown a couple of inches off the ground because of the drought. Yet, it still bloomed. It reminded me that even when our circumstances are not perfect, we can still bloom (flourish and thrive according to Dictionary.com).
Last week, I was not thriving. I was being a couch-potato. Playing Sudoku over and over on my iPad. Scrolling through Facebook. Taking naps. Thinking I was writing my book all wrong. Thinking I am a bad friend. Thinking what's the use of having nice things when a hail storm destroys them. Thinking it's too hard to go to the grocery store. I'll wait. Thinking I can't even turn on the TV and watch the morning news like I used to do. All they talk about is COVID-19 and riots.
You get it, don't you?
I couldn't sleep Saturday night and I got up to journal. I wrote about what was going on in my life like the celebration of life we went to that day for my nephew who died in an accident in March. It was good to remember Mark with friends. But it was also hard to go through it again. I wrote about a friendship that is torn, can it be mended? I can only hope and pray. About our church and people who are hurting. About the hail storm that came through and totaled our camper and broke windows in the house. About writing my book and a question that came up.
The last line I wrote - "Maybe I need to see Dr. Anna this week."
By writing it all down, I began to see my pattern of depression. I tend to be able to handle hard things when they come one at a time. When I've got more than three hard things stacking up, that's when I start sliding down into depression. I noticed my red flags - sitting on the couch playing Sudoku, not going to the grocery store when I needed to, questioning myself about everything like writing the book, and sending an e-mail for help writing the book because I wanted someone to tell me what to do.
The first thing I did this morning was make an appointment with Dr. Anna. And I called and talked to a friend I haven't talked to in months. I am thankful for friendships that pick up right where we left off. I took my morning walk. A car stopped and I chatted with the couple I hadn't met before. They asked where I lived and I told them. "Oh, the place with the cute picnic table!" "Yes, the Turquoise Table," and I told them the story about it.
Maybe you are finding yourself in the same place as me. Maybe you are being a couch potato. Or napping to avoid making decisions. Or beating yourself up. Or... whatever your red flags are for depression and anxiety.
You are not alone.
Once you recognize you are in a hole, do something. Call your counselor or find a counselor. Call a friend. Each small step of action leads to more action. Take a walk. Play basketball. Dance to music. Play an instrument. Sing! If you need rest, rest. Give yourself some grace.
It's possible to bloom in hard times. Just ask the sunflower.
P.S. I've shared lots of ways to get through depression and anxiety on this blog. You are welcome to scroll through and find some encouragement. http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/
