tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23984225061146140782024-03-13T08:57:17.180-07:00Beneath A Dappled SkyA Journey with God through Anxiety and DepressionGayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-37532061708709822482020-07-27T12:47:00.000-07:002020-07-27T12:47:17.685-07:00Blooming In Hard Times<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ROVZQ-e05Oo/Xx8USxLaWjI/AAAAAAAAVY8/CHDH1YV59os1YtwEijSz2c8kaB3xXDXRwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_20200721_093736294_HDR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ROVZQ-e05Oo/Xx8USxLaWjI/AAAAAAAAVY8/CHDH1YV59os1YtwEijSz2c8kaB3xXDXRwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_20200721_093736294_HDR.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I took this photo of the sunflower during my morning walk last week. Not your typical sunflower along the country road. This plant had only grown a couple of inches off the ground because of the drought. Yet, it still bloomed. It reminded me that even when our circumstances are not perfect, we can still bloom (flourish and thrive according to Dictionary.com).<br /><br />Last week, I was not thriving. I was being a couch-potato. Playing Sudoku over and over on my iPad. Scrolling through Facebook. Taking naps. Thinking I was writing my book all wrong. Thinking I am a bad friend. Thinking what's the use of having nice things when a hail storm destroys them. Thinking it's too hard to go to the grocery store. I'll wait. Thinking I can't even turn on the TV and watch the morning news like I used to do. All they talk about is COVID-19 and riots.<br /><br />You get it, don't you?<br /><br />I couldn't sleep Saturday night and I got up to journal. I wrote about what was going on in my life like</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> the celebration of life we went to that day for my nephew who died in an accident in March. It was good to remember Mark with friends. But it was also hard to go through it again. I wrote about a friendship that is torn, can it be mended? I can only hope and pray. About our church and people who are hurting. About the hail storm that came through and totaled our camper and broke windows in the house. About writing my book and a question that came up.<br /><br />The last line I wrote - "Maybe I need to see Dr. Anna this week."<br /><br />By writing it all down, I began to see my pattern of depression. I tend to be able to handle hard things when they come one at a time. When I've got more than three hard things stacking up, that's when I start sliding down into depression. I noticed my red flags - sitting on the couch playing Sudoku, not going to the grocery store when I needed to, questioning myself about everything like writing the book, and sending an e-mail for help writing the book because I wanted someone to tell me what to do.<br /><br />The first thing I did this morning was make an appointment with Dr. Anna. And I called and talked to a friend I haven't talked to in months. I am thankful for friendships that pick up right where we left off. I took my morning walk. A car stopped and I chatted with the couple I hadn't met before. They asked where I lived and I told them. "Oh, the place with the cute picnic table!" "Yes, the Turquoise Table," and I told them the story about it.<br /><br />Maybe you are finding yourself in the same place as me. Maybe you are being a couch potato. Or napping to avoid making decisions. Or beating yourself up. Or... whatever your red flags are for depression and anxiety. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You are not alone.<br /><br />Once you recognize you are in a hole, do something. Call your counselor or find a counselor. Call a friend. Each small step of action leads to more action. Take a walk. Play basketball. Dance to music. Play an instrument. Sing! If you need rest, rest. Give yourself some grace. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />It's possible to bloom in hard times. Just ask the sunflower. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.S. I've shared lots of ways to get through depression and anxiety on this blog. You are welcome to scroll through and find some encouragement. </span><a href="http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/">http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/</a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-23782720010423173152020-05-02T09:30:00.000-07:002020-05-02T09:30:01.239-07:00The Broken Treadmill<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aTwQTIp47yI/Xq0YfKMQVEI/AAAAAAAAURI/OEek7hSJxZcBYd3nGmJP9BkoZKzKHsMTACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/treadmill-display-closeup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="617" data-original-width="925" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aTwQTIp47yI/Xq0YfKMQVEI/AAAAAAAAURI/OEek7hSJxZcBYd3nGmJP9BkoZKzKHsMTACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/treadmill-display-closeup.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In early March, I had a conversation with Dr. Anna. I told her about this great book, <i>The Atomic Habit</i>, by James Clear, and about the wonderful habits I now had in place. Me, the person who never does the same thing at the same time more than twice. I told her how I got up, made breakfast, unloaded the dishwasher while I made my coffee, read my daily Bible reading while I ate breakfast, then put my shoes on to walk on the treadmill. Habit-stacking at its best! And, I worked on my book every night at 10:30, after I made my Harney and Sons Hot Cinnamon Sunset tea (my cue to write). I had begun to enjoy the order these habits brought to my life and the feeling of accomplishment.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />But, I soon learned a life of habits does not guarantee happiness. I had a sinus infection with a cough for several weeks, so I didn't walk on the treadmill while I was sick. Finally, I felt better and </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">decided it was time to get back into my routine. I made my breakfast, unloaded the dishwasher, read the Bible, laced up my walking shoes and stepped onto the treadmill. When I turned it on it beeped in a way it hadn't before and then nothing. The belt didn't move. I turned it off and on, unplugged it and plugged it back in, I even removed the cover and cleaned around the motor. John worked on it, too. Still nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It snowed. It rained. The wind blew. Typical March in Colorado. I am a fair weather walker. The days went by a</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">nd I found myself getting more and more depressed. My knee started hurting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I even begged God to miraculously resurrect my treadmill. I turned it on. Nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Colorado was now under the Stay-At-Home order for the Corona Virus. I couldn't take the treadmill somewhere to be worked on or go out and buy a new one. I thought about ordering one online.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Throughout the days my mind kept repeating one question. Why? Why did the treadmill quit now, of all times? I'd been sick, we'd had tragic losses in our family, March is a time when I struggle with depression with its </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">dreary weather, and now we had the fear of the Corona Virus and isolation with the Stay-At-Home order. It also seemed as though all of my self-care routines that worked well for me were taken from me. I'd had to cut back my Vitamin D because my levels were too high when I had my physical. I can definitely tell a difference in my moods when I don't have enough Vitamin D. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Finally, one morning it hit me. I had to accept that the treadmill was not going to run again. I had to stop questioning why this was happening to me. Stop my mind from running through the whys, the blame, and the self-pity. Thinking about it was getting me nowhere. Well, that's not true. It was taking me on a one-way trip to depression. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, I accepted it. Accepted the reality that the treadmill was broke. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It is funny how acceptance opens the way for new things to come in. I started doing some exercises. Danced around the living room one day. Picked up my hula-hoop and hooped to some good music. I walked outside in the wind and the cold on the first sunny day. And I enjoyed it. I am still more of a fair weather walker, but I will get out even for a short walk on dreary days.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am back in the habit of my morning routine finishing with a walk outside, but not quite as fanatically as I was before. Routine is good, but not when it becomes an idol. I saw this connection when I looked back at this post from 2018 - <a href="http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/2018/05/the-idol-of-perfection.html" target="_blank">The Idol of Perfection</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-37930420199272577192020-05-01T19:14:00.000-07:002020-05-01T19:14:32.843-07:00Life in 2020<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5Bbqkm8_ORs/XqzJ2vlTRhI/AAAAAAAAUQ8/B_eE5W3wxokGCgo7625Cm00q3wO4YjLRACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/lighthouse%2B016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1069" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5Bbqkm8_ORs/XqzJ2vlTRhI/AAAAAAAAUQ8/B_eE5W3wxokGCgo7625Cm00q3wO4YjLRACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/lighthouse%2B016.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5 years ago, I realized I was depressed and began the journey I blog about on <i>Beneath A Dappled Sky</i>. I've shared my ups and downs. What works and what doesn't work. I still visit my therapist, Dr. Anna, once a month. One month I share all of the wonderful progress I've made in triumphing over perfectionism, then the next I may be coping with something in my life that makes me feel as though I am starting over. It is a journey.<br /><br />We are all on a journey we've never been on before as we travel through the Corona Virus Pandemic of 2020. I've struggled a little with depression and anxiety again because life, both good and bad, continues to happen even during a pandemic. <br /><br />2020 has been a hard year for my family. We mourned the loss of my mother-in-law who passed away on New Year's Eve, 2019. Then, my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend died in a motorcycle accident on March 15 - the week Colorado was told not to gather in groups of more than 10 people. A small family service was held. Overwhelming grief shows up on days we don't expect it. And then more life happens, good and bad.<br /><br />The pandemic seems to magnify everything. We stay home in isolation. We live in fear of Covid-19. We go to the grocery store where shelves were empty. We almost ran out of toilet paper! Now we wear masks when we go to the store. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When fear ramps up, I play the hammered dulcimer, read a book, or take a walk. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I miss seeing my grandchildren several times a week, but I am thankful for video chats. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />Today Colorado moved from a Stay-At-Home order to Safer-At-Home. Restrictions loosened a little. I went to my hair stylist and got my hair done today! Little things make a difference. I still look forward to the day when I can meet a friend at a restaurant and visit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It seems like a good time to write more blog posts for <i>Beneath A Dappled Sky</i>. Because one thing about life is we keep on going. And a time like this can be a time to learn and grow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><br /></span>Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-88121434234580649352018-05-04T14:57:00.000-07:002018-05-04T15:00:56.307-07:00The Idol of Perfection<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z73WXfxqUuY/WuzUIkHRbMI/AAAAAAAAJfs/wrbXDexNqV4k7w3_-cWR_52NoiBGh0x1ACLcBGAs/s1600/056%2BCropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1304" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z73WXfxqUuY/WuzUIkHRbMI/AAAAAAAAJfs/wrbXDexNqV4k7w3_-cWR_52NoiBGh0x1ACLcBGAs/s320/056%2BCropped.jpg" width="260" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Warren Gresham Family at the Elbert Christian Church 100th Anniversary in August 2016</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Last night four generations of the Gresham family prayed for unity in our families at the National Day of Prayer event in Kiowa. The event was an awesome time of prayer. We were so honored to be invited. And I am so blessed to be a part of this family, to sit together on Sundays with my in-laws, children, nephews, and grandchildren in the same church where previous generations worshiped together, too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When it was my turn to pray, I prayed for the wives, mothers, grandmothers and daughters to break down the idol of perfectionism. That is how I've come to see it - an idol. If I can be the perfect wife, mother, grandmother, daughter or Christian, then I am doing what God wants. And, if not, then I have failed. Even when I am falling short of perfection or not even trying because I can't do it perfectly, the idol still stands before me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Somewhere along the way I got mixed up about God's love, thinking he loves me best when I am perfect. And he loves me less when I am not. </span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Somewhere along the way I thought I could be perfect if I just worked a little harder, wasn't so lazy, could be a better wife or mother, and was a better housekeeper. My idol of perfection stood before me. When I read the Bible, I only saw how I would be perfect if I did all of these things. And, since I didn't do them all, I wasn't perfect. Pretty soon I stopped reading the Bible.</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And I know I am not the only one. In 2012, the Barna Research Group reported that 50% of women stated that "disorganization" is their greatest struggle followed by 42% listing "inefficiency." That tells me that many women idolize perfection. And worshiping before this idol does not make the family stronger, it tears away at it piece by piece.</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The thing about having an idol before God is it doesn't make you better, it only keeps you from God.</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My clinical depression (which I viewed as a journey with God) and three years of therapy helped me to understand perfectionism. And perfectionism isn't about doing everything well. Brene Brown defines perfectionism (in part) as "Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame." (From The Gifts of Imperfection, p. 57)</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What I know today is only the blood of Christ makes me perfect. There is nothing I can do to be perfect or live perfectly. And when I try to live in this way, then I am making Jesus' sacrifice out to be meaningless. It is as if the Law of the Old Testament is in effect today. What better idol could the enemy put before us to separate us from God?</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My perfectionism is overcome by God's love and grace and learning to <a href="http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/2016/04/love-is-patient-love-is-kind.html" target="_blank">Love Myself</a> and give myself grace and compassion. I seek God and spend time with him in silence. In silence, I am not trying to control anything through prayer, just listening to him, trusting him, and knowing him. When silence is part of my day, I move forward from a centered place, a place where I know I am loved and cherished by God.</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I trust God and talk to him throughout my day. I ask him to <a href="http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/2015/07/lord-please-order-my-day.html" target="_blank">Order My Day</a>. I live in the moments, rather than being overwhelmed and escaping in a book or being perfect and controlling everything. </span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Will you join me in praying for women to break down the idol of perfection? Will you offer grace and compassion with loads of encouragement to the women in your life? Will you reach out to the mother who is hanging on by a thread as her toddler has a meltdown in the grocery store? Will you stop your judgmental thoughts and words when someone isn't doing something just the way you would? </span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wouldn't we all be better off if we look at others and think, "She is doing the best she can." And don't forget to apply that to yourself, too.</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; direction: ltr; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-14707661614122345722018-04-16T17:49:00.000-07:002018-04-16T17:49:05.613-07:00When It Is Time To End Therapy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tPJjdOUhKos/WtVApsJhVNI/AAAAAAAAJUA/2tewy4Zw_7EQMpNHTOjh5p3W8D1CTdf-wCLcBGAs/s1600/020.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1069" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tPJjdOUhKos/WtVApsJhVNI/AAAAAAAAJUA/2tewy4Zw_7EQMpNHTOjh5p3W8D1CTdf-wCLcBGAs/s400/020.JPG" width="266" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Three years ago, I started a journey—a journey through depression
and anxiety. Like any journey, it has a beginning and an end. Well, maybe they
are important way-points rather than a beginning and an end because the journey
started many years ago and will continue for the rest of my life. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My journey to healing and life started with awareness. “Gayle,
are you depressed?” my friend, Victoria, asked. I answered, “Yes, maybe I am,”
after I thought about describing my day to her which included trying to decide
whether to go to the grocery store or not.<br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The awareness of depression prompted me to seek counseling. I
realized I was living in a box and I didn’t know how to escape it. My world had
shrunken to my home and my family. I felt alone, ostracized and hurting. I knew
that if I didn’t get help, I was on my way to becoming agoraphobic and never leave home. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I began seeing Dr. Anna and she gave me the tools I needed
to move forward. She taught me how to deal with the depressive and anxious thoughts in my head and so much more. I am so thankful for Dr. Anna and her work as a therapist.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Over the past three years, I have:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Overcome a phobia of driving across bridges<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Let go of perfectionism<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Turned off the “you should, you need to”
taskmaster in my head<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Learned to give myself grace and compassion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Received the love of God, who loves me just
because he loves me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Learned that life is uncertain and sometimes all
we can do is accept it<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Learned to say, “I trust you, Lord,” instead of trying
to control<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Connected authentically to my family and friends<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Connected with people who have different
backgrounds and beliefs than me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 72.3pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Embraced this crazy thing we call life<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today, at the end of the counseling session, Dr. Anna pulled
out her phone and asked when I wanted to set the appointment for next month. I
said, “I don’t think I want an appointment next month. I think I am ready.” She
smiled and said, “That is the goal of therapy.” <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know I can call for an appointment any time and I probably
will during the winter months. But, I also think I have the skills to cope with
life’s ups and downs and my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I also have a great
support system with friends and family. And I know how important is to keep
connections and communication open.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I appreciate all of your support through this journey. Your
stories have encouraged me. I will continue this blog, sharing things I’ve
learned and what works for me in this life Beneath A Dappled Sky.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-42388822134592321602017-08-09T20:30:00.000-07:002017-08-09T20:30:12.632-07:00Monsoon Season<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-H7lQgG0xrFk/WYvMzz61HVI/AAAAAAAAF3A/blCnd1ezPR4MnTOQjrlEOrA0pZBLv7K7ACLcBGAs/s1600/011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1069" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-H7lQgG0xrFk/WYvMzz61HVI/AAAAAAAAF3A/blCnd1ezPR4MnTOQjrlEOrA0pZBLv7K7ACLcBGAs/s400/011.JPG" width="266" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I called my therapist. "I know you're not surprised by this call with this rainy weather," I said on her voicemail. "I need an appointment."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />She once told me my diagnosis should be "weather-affective disorder" instead of "seasonal affective disorder." She could tell by looking at my face when I walked into her office whether it was sunny or cloudy outside. It's a good thing I live in Colorado.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is monsoon season. We've had at least 5 inches of rain the past couple of weeks. Heavy, moody clouds cover the sky and rain comes down as though poured by the hand of God from a pitcher. And it kind of feels like this whole year has been a monsoon season for my family. One crisis after another has fallen.<br /><br />Last weekend I escaped with my husband to the mountains. I took photos of the moon over Pikes Peak. I sat in my rocking chair reading and soaking in the sun when it chose to appear through the clouds. Silence. Nature therapy. Stillness with God. It helped. <br /><br />Today I felt the sadness descend on me. Now, I can accept a sad day, knowing the next day doesn't have to be that way. But I realized it's more than just one day. It's time to get some help with it.<br /><br />I am grateful for the understanding I have about depression and thankful I don't have to handle it by myself. It's hard when you think you are doing so much better - and I was - to feel like you are taking a step back, but that's life. We all do the best we can. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-62469476969569297242016-10-24T16:25:00.002-07:002016-10-24T16:26:37.872-07:00Vulnerability = Eating Alone At Taco Bell Without Looking At Your Cellphone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ENy4_eAIZQY/WA6YSttbjOI/AAAAAAAABXk/X72cxYFyYRI3EaLfJmCIhO2lMsLNrBHVgCLcB/s1600/015.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ENy4_eAIZQY/WA6YSttbjOI/AAAAAAAABXk/X72cxYFyYRI3EaLfJmCIhO2lMsLNrBHVgCLcB/s400/015.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you had
asked me a year ago, “What is the definition of vulnerable and how does it make
you feel?” </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I could not
have answered your question. Really, I had no clue.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But today I
can tell you that eating alone at Taco Bell without looking at my cellphone
makes me feel vulnerable. And I know I am not the only one, judging by what
other people do while they eat alone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Brené Brown
defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. It has taken
a while, but I can recognize when I am feeling vulnerable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Going inside
to eat by myself at Taco Bell is hard. I’d rather go through the drive-thru,
order my Burrito Supreme and small Mountain Dew, and find a place to park and
eat with the windows rolled down. (Yes, I am an introvert.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sometimes,
though, I think I’ll just go in to eat. I order, find a place to sit, and pick
up my phone to look at Facebook before I take the first bite. Before cellphones,
I always carried a paperback book to read.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I loved the
day I walked in and saw two of my friends eating there. They invited me to sit
with them. Courage has its rewards at times. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Last week, I
realized I felt vulnerable when I walked in and ordered. And, because I felt
vulnerable, I decided to sit at the table and eat my burrito without looking at
my cellphone. I made the choice to stay in uncertainty, risk, and emotional
exposure without avoiding, shutting down or numbing the emotion by reading
Facebook. I leaned into the discomfort and sat with vulnerability.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The first
person I noticed was a man in work clothes intent on his cellphone while he
ate. He was the only other person there by himself. A woman sat at a table with
her elderly father while he told her stories. An employee brought out their
order and gave it to the woman and her father. They looked up in surprise,
saying they hadn’t heard their number called. I know she didn’t call the
number, just cared enough to deliver it without so they wouldn’t have to interrupt
their conversation. Two women engaged in excited conversation as they caught
each other up on their lives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nothing
dramatic happened. Just life. Life I would have missed if I hadn’t chosen to
spend a few minutes in vulnerability. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am learning that staying in vulnerability when I feel it makes me more open; open
to people, open to circumstances, and open to life. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-39480007877355169182016-10-19T16:30:00.001-07:002016-10-19T17:42:06.127-07:00Re-discovering Creativity<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7b2ZrZ75KtQ/WAfhMl_Zq8I/AAAAAAAABXM/kPdwEE0fkiErCVV1BttSkdM8tsheqxMLwCLcB/s1600/010.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7b2ZrZ75KtQ/WAfhMl_Zq8I/AAAAAAAABXM/kPdwEE0fkiErCVV1BttSkdM8tsheqxMLwCLcB/s400/010.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I spent last
weekend in Santa Fe for the Women Writing the West Conference. I looked forward
to connecting with old friends, meeting new friends, and being inspired to
write again. What I didn’t expect was to re-discover my creativity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The first
speaker on Friday was Julia Cameron, author of <i>The Artist’s Way</i>. Julia and her book were completely new to me. This
is the 25<sup>th</sup> anniversary of the first printing of <i>The Artist’s Way</i>. She explained “Morning
Pages” – basically, writing three pages first thing in the morning of whatever
comes to mind. (I finally understand what all of my writer friends are doing
when they mention morning pages on Facebook!) I bought <i>The Artist’s Way </i>and began my own journey of morning pages this
week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Through
reading the book and writing morning pages, the first thing I’ve learned is how
I have shut down my creativity. Perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking have
boxed me in. My realization – Wow! I have really closed myself off to the
things that matter most to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I
decided to write “The Book,” the project I am ten years into now, I made it my
focus. I heeded the advice of other writers: write every day; get up and write
first thing in the morning; keep your focus “You don’t have time for that.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I let go of
things in order to write. I started writing the book as nonfiction, changed it to
creative nonfiction at the suggestion of an editor, and finally ended up at
historical fiction. Historical fiction feels right. It is what I love to read.
But I had never written fiction. So, I had some learning to do. I created a
story arc. Other events in my life affected me and I became depressed. The
pressure I put on myself for the book to be perfect began to get me and I
became blocked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Therapy
helped not only my depression and anxiety, but with writing my book. In fact,
that is the reason I am still seeing my therapist once a month. I am not there
yet, but I know it is within reach now; especially after last weekend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Julia
Cameron writes about filling the artistic well. And I know that is where I got
of track. I kept letting go of creative things I love doing because “You don’t
have time for that.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To fill the
well, Julia Cameron suggests an artist’s date once a week. The first one she
mentions is going to the dollar store and buying silly creative things. So,
today I went to Walmart thinking I would buy a coloring book and colored
pencils. I know adult coloring is the rage, but it feels silly to me. And, I
know I can’t do it perfectly. Oh, just the right thing to open myself to
creativity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">After
finding the coloring book and pencils, I walked down the sewing aisle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And there,
on the bottom shelf, lay the most beautiful skein of royal purple yarn. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SpAcRlP8JMg/WAfgTbM4yjI/AAAAAAAABXI/rgtDiG8_feMkC9w0lQuRpSish9FGfPulQCLcB/s1600/002-cropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="338" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SpAcRlP8JMg/WAfgTbM4yjI/AAAAAAAABXI/rgtDiG8_feMkC9w0lQuRpSish9FGfPulQCLcB/s400/002-cropped.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I learned to
knit when I was a child in 4-H. My mom taught me at first, later I rode the bus
after school to go to my best friend’s house. After eating a peanut butter and
honey sandwich, Donna and I sat knitting while listening to Waylon Jennings and
other country music playing on the radio. Donna’s mother helped us when we made
mistakes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I enjoyed
knitting and eventually received a grand champion ribbon for a vest I knit. I
taught knitting to some younger girls in 4-H, too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> I continued knitting off and on through the
years, but half-finished projects started to wear on me. Finally, after making
a mistake on a baby blanket for a friend and never finishing it, I gave up
knitting twenty years ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Until the
skein of royal purple yarn called to me. My mind flashed back to knitting with
Donna, teaching others to knit and knitting during blizzards. I picked it up
and caressed the soft yarn and knew I wanted to knit again. Maybe a scarf? I
found knitting needles and rushed to the checkout with a smile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At home, I
found a pattern for a scarf on the Internet. It took a couple of times to get
it started right. The first time I added an extra stitch and ripped it out to
start over. But soon my fingers flew into knitting as though they had never
stopped. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Creativity,
texture, color, memories, connection. Ahhh.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-76938897875096614022016-09-21T16:05:00.000-07:002016-09-21T16:07:48.414-07:00It’s That Time of the Year – Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5A-FA_90HL8/V-MEfD5N2oI/AAAAAAAABWQ/08xvzr0O_VIPf5IABcx2CFF-Np6pfvN4wCLcB/s1600/014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5A-FA_90HL8/V-MEfD5N2oI/AAAAAAAABWQ/08xvzr0O_VIPf5IABcx2CFF-Np6pfvN4wCLcB/s400/014.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s fall! It’s fall. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fall is one
of my favorite times of the year – going to the mountains to see the vibrant
gold aspen, drinking hot apple cider and enjoying beautiful fall days here in
Colorado.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But, this
week I could tell it was fall for another reason—the cloud I can feel
descending on me. It surprised me because I didn’t expect to notice my Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD) until late October or November. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At this
point, the symptoms are pretty subtle:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s harder
to get up in the morning.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am
sleeping longer.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I could eat
cookies and chips all day long.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Feeling more
blah.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And, once in
a while, feeling plain depressed.</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rRDzxD1BdfY/V-MRh71O3jI/AAAAAAAABWk/qU_K6biuWCon_lKPZ7fnNVrRcOSyXTkfACLcB/s1600/Not%2Ba%2Bbear2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="340" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rRDzxD1BdfY/V-MRh71O3jI/AAAAAAAABWk/qU_K6biuWCon_lKPZ7fnNVrRcOSyXTkfACLcB/s400/Not%2Ba%2Bbear2.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Really, on
certain days it feels like a cloud hovering over me that sometimes descends and
I realize, yep, I am feeling depressed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The good
news is I now know what to do for it instead of wallowing in it or worrying
about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My plan of
attack:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Be aware of
my mood and emotions.</b> Don’t shut down. Accept it when I can’t change it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Increase my
Vitamin D.</b> I cut it back over the summer when I am out in the sun more.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Exercise.</b>
Getting outside for a walk does wonders for my mood.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Think about
what I eat.</b> Probably time to clear the house of cookies and chips.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Drink plenty
of water.</b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Take time
for things I enjoy.</b> Writing, music, playing with grandbabies…</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Connect with
friends and family</b>.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Take time to
connect with God.</b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Give myself
lots of compassion and grace.</b></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My action
list is pretty much my daily practice anyway. But I know to be much more
intentional about it this time of the year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Bring it on!
I am ready for fall!</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-58578739080936720752016-08-31T12:11:00.000-07:002016-08-31T12:11:51.330-07:00The "Wow! Look What I Did Today!" List<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gKkzKeVh9nw/V8crO0Yt7oI/AAAAAAAABVc/vtSruwX4PA0hNSWmn98nRAP5SKF6fWS2wCLcB/s1600/001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gKkzKeVh9nw/V8crO0Yt7oI/AAAAAAAABVc/vtSruwX4PA0hNSWmn98nRAP5SKF6fWS2wCLcB/s400/001.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My to-do
lists drive my daughter-in-law crazy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I make a
list on Monday and cross a couple of things off during the week. Then the next
Monday, I make a new list that starts with the carry-overs from the previous
week. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, I can
make anyone who adheres to the daily to-do list crazy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part of my
problem, I’ve learned, is the pressure that comes with something being on the
to-do list. Most people see it as a prompt to get something done. I see it as a
threat. A threat to send my psyche straight down the shame-drain because I
can’t do it or won’t get it done today. I now see that as “all or nothing”
thinking. If I don’t do it all, I’ve failed. So I’ll do nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I no longer
write to-do lists. I may write down some things to remind me, but without the
pressure. And, I still don’t mind if they carry over. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">However, I
still fall into the “all or nothing” thinking when I have something in mind to
do for the day and it doesn’t get done. I’ve failed. I can’t even do the one
thing I wanted to get done today. I am a failure…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I catch
myself doing this most when my goal is a creative process like writing.
Something that is important to me. I didn’t write a scene. I didn’t get the
website copy done. I didn’t...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yesterday, I
caught myself going down the shame-drain because I didn’t write. I have decided
I want to write something to move the story forward in my book every day. It is
important to me. As I started down the spiral to shame, I stopped. I remembered
writing a list a while back when I was feeling the same way. Instead of a to-do
list, I had written a list of what I had done. Starting with making breakfast,
I had written down everything I did during the day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What
surprised me is I went from thinking I had done nothing all day since I hadn’t
done what I intended to do to thinking, “Wow, I was really busy today and got a
lot done.” Looking at the list, I could see it was a series of choices. I had
done some important things throughout the day that needed done.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I made
my list of “Wow, Look What I Accomplished” last night, I found the same thing.
Most importantly, I realized I was busy, had some things that really had to be
done that day and I accomplished them. Other unexpected things came up, too,
which took time away from writing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And, so I
gave myself some grace and self-compassion. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow you
will write. Something, anything, even if just a few words. Writing is a process
where all or nothing has no place. Trust the process. Trust yourself.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-82408074391559572652016-08-19T12:47:00.000-07:002016-08-19T13:14:07.968-07:00Why Can't I Read The Bible?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HMt7jt8NIKk/V7dh7z-TMgI/AAAAAAAABU8/3xQ7c4SdukEIpCFoW8uW7t3lMewIvOTXACLcB/s1600/%25C2%25A9Gayle%2BGresham%2B%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HMt7jt8NIKk/V7dh7z-TMgI/AAAAAAAABU8/3xQ7c4SdukEIpCFoW8uW7t3lMewIvOTXACLcB/s400/%25C2%25A9Gayle%2BGresham%2B%25281%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A couple of
years ago, I was visiting with an elder at church and confessed something I
hadn’t told anyone: “I can’t read the Bible, not daily or even sometimes. When
I read the Bible, I feel terrible. I can’t measure up to what I should be doing
or who I should be as a Christian.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">“Really?”
Jerry asked. “When I read the Bible I feel challenged. Challenged to do better
or be better. Not judged or condemned.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Jerry’s
words stayed with me – challenged, not condemned. But I wasn’t sure how to move
from feeling condemned to feeling challenged.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now I can
look back and see that depression, perfectionism and self-criticism made me
feel condemned with a lot of help from the enemy. What better way to keep
Christians from spreading the gospel? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Going through
therapy and reading Brené Brown’s books helped immensely. Brené Brown helped me
understand the difference between guilt and shame; something we don’t talk enough
about in Christian circles, or any circles. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">According to
Brown, the major difference between guilt and shame is “guilt = I did something
bad” and “shame = I am bad.” Guilt has the power to move a person to right action
in line with their values while shame makes a person feel unworthy and worthless.
I felt shame (not good enough, not perfect enough) when I read the Bible. I
could never measure up, therefore, what was the point in reading it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When shame
becomes our default feeling, I believe depression sets in. In order to change,
I had to recognize when I feel guilt and when I feel shame. That’s pretty hard
when you move from guilt to shame in .5 seconds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But I am
learning that even when I am in shame, I can stop and look back at what put me
into that feeling. If it is something I did or thought, I can see if it lines
up with my values - my desire to be authentic, to have integrity and to live in
real faith. If I can take a step back from shame, I can let guilt help me take
responsibility, be accountable for my actions or my thoughts. Then I can take
action.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I struggle
with shame, I am learning to practice what Brené Brown calls shame-resilience. Brown
says, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable… If we speak shame, it
begins to wither. Just the way exposure to the light was deadly to the gremlins
(the movie), language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.” (Daring Greatly, p. 67)<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Speaking to
Jerry about the shame I felt when I read the Bible brought light to my shame.
Christ’s light. He offered a different way to look at my shame – challenging instead
of condemning. That is shame-resilience. I also practiced shame-resilience when
I mentioned it to other people. Some said, “Yes, I know that feeling.” Or “I
struggle with that, too.” Starting the Beneath The Dappled Sky blog was a form
of shame-resilience for me. I have learned I am not alone. I am not the only
one to struggle with depression and anxiety. And, I know I am not the only one
to feel condemnation when reading the Bible as a Christian.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The phrase, “put
to shame” is found in the New International Version of the Old Testament 47 times, but only 5 times in the
New Testament. Why? Romans 5:5 says, “<span style="background: white;">And
hope does not<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span>put<span class="apple-converted-space"> us<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span>to<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit, who has been given<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>to<span class="apple-converted-space"> us.</span>”
And Romans 10:11 says, “As Scripture says, ‘Anyone who believes in him
will never be<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>put<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>to<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>shame.’”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background: white;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Speaking shame, trusting in the Lord, and being
self-compassionate have made a huge difference in my life. Reading Sarah Young’s
devotional, <i>Jesus Calling</i>, also helped
me to move from perfectionism and thinking I had to be or do something to be a “good”Christian
to resting in God and trusting Him in my relationship with Him.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="background: white;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Even in reading the Bible.</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-75926772350952386092016-08-01T09:32:00.000-07:002016-08-01T09:37:45.327-07:00Accepting Feeling Tired<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pjXb3wuHEsc/V594hnFqyNI/AAAAAAAABUc/3N5W2-49rRkI40fYGv3_nYISUbUZUgJaACLcB/s1600/002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pjXb3wuHEsc/V594hnFqyNI/AAAAAAAABUc/3N5W2-49rRkI40fYGv3_nYISUbUZUgJaACLcB/s400/002.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It has been
a year since I began seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety. A year of
getting over hard things, moving forward and self-discovery. The depression is gone. Anxiety is a bit of a
different animal. Something I now realize I’ve lived with much longer than I
care to acknowledge. But it also is much better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am still
learning new things. The latest is the importance of recognizing when I am
tired. What is it about saying, “I feel tired,” in our society? Even to
ourselves? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The other
day, after teaching children at VBS, I came home and did some more things. That
evening I was physically and emotionally tired. But I still thought there were
some business things I should take care of that night. Or something. Shouldn’t
I always be doing or thinking about something? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But as I concentrated
on the thoughts rolling around in my head, I realized I was ruminating and
obsessing. Lots of “you should” and “you need to” thoughts were coming up.
Along with “you never…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I noticed a
difference in how I felt. Not only was I tired, but now I was starting the
spiral. You know, the spiral from feeling vulnerable (uncertain) to shame (you
are not enough) to depression (why even try?). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now, I know
from experience what happens when I go down the spiral. Those thoughts would
stay with me throughout the night and I would wake up the next morning with a
huge helping of anxiety and depression.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was the
first time I connected being tired with going down the spiral. Being tired
contributed to my run-away thoughts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So I
stopped.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">I accepted that I felt tired. Exhausted.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">I made the choice to stop my thoughts.
Everything I was thinking about could wait until the morning when I wouldn’t be
tired and could think more clearly.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">And I relaxed. I sat in silence watching the
sunset, watched some tv with my husband, took a bath and went to bed.</span><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">And I didn’t </span><i style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">think </i><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">about anything.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Most of all, I realized when I rest and relax
when I am tired, I am treating myself with grace and compassion. </span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-39041043973831685602016-04-06T16:24:00.000-07:002016-04-06T16:24:53.755-07:00Love Is Patient. Love Is Kind.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vf_suhSrALM/VwWXGHJxrSI/AAAAAAAABTw/yQhvvNf9_wAB4fvIRxjOK0MN3BT47gpIw/s1600/008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vf_suhSrALM/VwWXGHJxrSI/AAAAAAAABTw/yQhvvNf9_wAB4fvIRxjOK0MN3BT47gpIw/s400/008.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My bucket of faith, hope and love</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Several months ago, Dr. Anna asked me to write my
insecurities on a Styrofoam cup. I wrote about my fears, disconnection,
perfectionism, feared judgement and unmet expectations. Then she had me poke
holes in the cup to drain my insecurities. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It felt good to drain my insecurities. At the bottom I
wrote, “Every last drop of insecurity drained.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On the drive home I thought about what I wanted to fill my cup
with. And the words, “Faith, hope and love” came to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, that is what I want poured into my cup. I want to
overflow with faith, hope and love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I opened my Bible when I got home and turned to 1
Corinthians 13. You know, the Love Chapter. If you are like me, then you read
it as an outward action. Love is patient (with others). Love is kind (to
others)… <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For some reason I read it differently on that day:<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Love is patient.</b>
(I can be patient with myself. The same way I would be with a friend.)<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Love is kind.</b> (I can be kind to myself. I
can speak kindly, the way I would with a friend.) <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Love is not easily
angered; it keeps no record of wrongs.</b> (Whoa. I don’t have to be angry with
myself or remind myself of what I’ve done or not done every day. My mistakes
don’t have to play over and over in my mind.)<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b> Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in
truth.</b> (Depression lies. Satan lies. Anxiety lies. I rejoice in the truth.
I seek the truth and dismiss the lies.)<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Love always protects.</b>
(I protect the truth. I protect myself from lies.)<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Love always trusts.</b>
(I trust myself and God.)<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Love always hopes. (</b>Through
God, I see the best in me and always hope.)<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Love always
perseveres.</b> (Don’t give up. Seek the truth and move forward. Stop living in
the past.)<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Love Never Fails.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have lived a life believing the lies of perfectionism.
Now, if you have seen my home or know me, you may laugh to think I struggle
with being perfect. I fall on the other end of the spectrum. If I can’t do it
perfectly, why do it at all? <a href="http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/2015/09/ipainted-my-back-deck-last-friday.html" target="_blank">The All or Nothing Mentality. </a><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Letting go of perfectionism is all about learning to be
self-compassionate. Learning who I am. Trusting myself. Being willing to try
and fail. Everything 1 Corinthians 13 says. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No, it's not easy. In fact, my anxiety ratcheted right up this last month and I realized it was about perfectionism. That's when I bought the little pink bucket and wrote 1 Corinthians 13 on it. It helps to have a reminder around.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you wonder about your level of self-compassion, you can
take a test at <a href="http://selfcompassion.org/">http://selfcompassion.org/</a><br /><br />If you can't love yourself, how can you love others openly and honestly?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-49707421947810698232016-03-09T13:11:00.000-08:002016-03-09T13:11:00.079-08:00When A Community Is Rocked By Suicide<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lf6WDkT8VIU/VuCOv7bpEkI/AAAAAAAABTY/8wioc2JMQ9c/s1600/005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lf6WDkT8VIU/VuCOv7bpEkI/AAAAAAAABTY/8wioc2JMQ9c/s400/005.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Last Saturday, I sat in church for a service with many
people from my community. None of us wanted to be there. We listened to Pastor
Roger give a message around the question, “Why?” A question that will never be
answered.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We all gathered together: the young man’s mother, father
and stepmother. Aunts and Uncles. Cousins. Friends. Classmates. Parents of
friends and classmates. Teachers. Bus drivers. Coaches. VBS teachers. Pastor.
Church family. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Through tears, we watched a slideshow of pictures. Twenty-one
years of life – a happy, smiling kid loving life. How do you leave out a photo
when there will never be another?<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">After the service, we all hugged each other, bound
together through grief and tears. As I hugged the young men and women from our
community, I saw grief and unanswered questions in their eyes. The question,
“Why,” weighs heavily.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But in the eyes of their parents, mixed with the grief, I
saw fear. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Their question – “What if?”<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The question and the fear are real. Made even larger in
all of our minds because this is our tiny community’s fourth young adult to
take his own life in the past 3 ½ years. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My first inclination is to fix our community. Fix all of
the problems in the school, the churches, and the community organizations.
Because, really, aren’t we all responsible for these young lives? Let’s point
fingers and blame each other. Set up more programs. Fix it.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But then I thought of my own struggles with anxiety and
depression. Pointing fingers and blaming others have done nothing to help me. Thinking
I have any control to fix my community is futile. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The only person I have any control over is me. Not my
husband, not my kids, not my extended family, not the people in the church, the
school, or the community organizations. I only have control over me.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But my actions can change my community. I will engage with
my community. I will build relationships. Connect with friends. Build trust.
And hope. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I will live an authentic life. I will speak well of
people. I will share my faith. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I will make the difficult phone call when someone is
hurting. I will show up. Not to fix, but to love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I will reach out to a trusted friend when I find myself
sinking into depression or when anxiety hijacks my thoughts. I will name my
emotions, try to understand them, and accept them instead of burying or numbing
my emotions. I will seek counseling when I need more tools to move through
depression and anxiety. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My hope in living an authentic and wholehearted life is
to encourage both the young adults and the parents that there is hope. You are
not alone. I struggle, but by being courageous, leaning on my faith in God,
learning to know myself and gaining the tools I needed through seven months of counseling,
I can live my life. Not someone else’s. My life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-49771297548147700552016-01-05T18:04:00.002-08:002016-01-05T18:06:49.451-08:00My 3:00 a.m. Worry Time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-47roACRvJ3k/Vox1_3YVK-I/AAAAAAAABTE/jdzdWWNw5oc/s1600/012.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-47roACRvJ3k/Vox1_3YVK-I/AAAAAAAABTE/jdzdWWNw5oc/s400/012.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">3:00
a.m. – my worry time. I have learned 3:00 a.m. is also known as the “Witching
Hour” or “Devil’s Time.” Hmm, sounds about right. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
awake from a deep sleep with anxiety. Sometimes a worry will pop into my mind
without me even thinking it. If not, I will find one. Then I lie in bed and worry,
like a dog with a bone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Prayer
seems like a good way to handle it. If I just pray about whatever I am worrying
about, the worry will go away. Right? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Wrong.
When I pray, I find I am just worrying over the problem in prayer. I don’t turn
it over to God. I tell Him what He ought to do and how He ought to do it. Along
with a deadline. Please, Lord?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When
I am done praying, I don’t feel any differently than when I spent the time
worrying.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My
daughter recently moved across the country. I am happy and excited for her!
But, I am a mom. And now I find my daughter on my mind when I wake at 3:00 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When
I realized my prayers of worry and control were doing neither her nor me any
good, I remembered some words a friend told me after a fearful time in my life.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In
1995, my husband, John, was accidently injured while working as a lineman for a
rural electric company. A hot wire came in contact with the guy wire John was
tying off on the ground. 7200 volts of electricity went through his body. The
ER doctor met me at the door of the emergency room and told me they were
monitoring his heart and kidneys for damage. John had a couple of bad burns on
his fingers where the electricity entered his body. Thankfully, he recovered
without any lasting damage. But I didn’t handle it so well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
could no longer believe that God would protect my loved ones. I struggled when
John returned to work. Would he walk through the door that night? I talked to my
friend, Betty Johnson, about my anger towards God and my questions of why He
didn’t protect John.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And
I will never forget what Betty said: “Gayle, God never promised complete protection
for your loved ones, but He does promise to be with you through whatever
happens in life.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">God
will be with me. He will never leave me alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Because
of this, I can pray, “I trust you, Lord.” <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This
has become my go-to prayer when I begin to worry. I whisper the words, “I trust
you, Lord” when I feel fearful. It is what I pray when I want to control a
person or a situation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
have learned that worry and fear are about control – ironically, the outcomes
over which I usually have no control. How silly I am to think things should happen
the way I think they should. Or that people should act the way I think they
should. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Now
when I wake up at 3:00 a.m. with worries, I have a routine: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Capture the thought. </span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Rather
than letting my thoughts go like a runaway train, I capture the thought, the
worry. I make myself aware of it. Then I ask,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Is it rational or irrational? </span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Once
again, this is awareness. If I realize the thought is irrational (out of
proportion, making something catastrophic or making leaps in logic); I stop it.
I tell myself it is irrational and I will no longer think about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Do I have any control or not? </span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If
the thought is rational, I ask myself if I have any control over the situation
or not. If yes, I can decide on one action to take during the day and leave it
at that. If not, then I pray<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I trust you, Lord.” </span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
trust that God, in His infinite wisdom, has a plan. I trust that He is in
control. Not me. Him. And no matter what happens, I will still trust in God’s
love, kindness, and mercy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“<span style="background: white;">We demolish arguments and every pretension
that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> and
we take captive every thought to make it obedient</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> to
Christ.</span>” (2 Cor. 10:5)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">P.S. This routine also works during the day!</span></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-46990160473111013752015-10-28T12:38:00.000-07:002015-10-28T12:48:17.666-07:00Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3XzBjcmTqo8/VjEjS761ZaI/AAAAAAAABSs/N9CoU737RZo/s1600/011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3XzBjcmTqo8/VjEjS761ZaI/AAAAAAAABSs/N9CoU737RZo/s400/011.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Where I do some of my best thinking - the drive home from therapy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After
writing <a href="http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/2015/10/reconnecting-with-community.html" target="_blank">Reconnecting with Community</a> two weeks ago, I prepared to post it to the
blog. The cursor hovered over the “publish” button and I hesitated. The post was
very personal. It could make some people in my community feel uncomfortable. I
read it over again to be sure that I wrote authentically—without an agenda,
without trying to control an outcome.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes,
it reflected who I am and what I value. I hit “publish.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Encouraging
comments began to appear on Facebook and on the blog. The post had value to
others. But, as the week went on, I began to feel uncertain about it. What do other
people in my community think of me? What are they saying? “Did you read Gayle’s
blog? Why would she write that? Why is she dragging up things in the past?” Or,
“She sure is good at playing the victim.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
recognized the feeling of uncertainty as vulnerability (thanks to Brené Brown’s
books). I am learning that when I feel vulnerable, shame rushes in to fill the
void. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When
I saw my therapist last week, we spent time talking about my feelings and my vulnerability.
Dr. Anna reminded me (as she often does) that other people’s thoughts and
actions are beyond my control. She asked, “How do you know what they are
thinking? Does it matter what they are saying? Does it change who you are?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was a really good session and made me think. But the Big Realization hit me on
the drive home: What I think others are thinking and saying is what <i>I would be thinking or saying</i> <i>if I was in their place</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Those
are the things I think about others when I am feeling defensive and hurt. I
would play the blame and shame game in my head or even say it to my friends and
family. I would think they are playing the victim and it would make me feel
angry.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whoa!
The “good girl” inside of me doesn’t want to think I can be mean, insensitive
or flat-out judgmental. And, yet, I recognized my thoughts. My thoughts, not
what other people are saying. My thoughts. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then
I realized it isn’t necessarily what other people have thought or said that
makes me feel shame; it is what I think and say to myself that opens the
trapdoor into the sea of shame. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In
other words, I judge myself in the same manner as I judge other people.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In
Matthew 7:1-2 Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged, and with
the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
always took this to mean when Judgement Day comes, I’ll be judged in the manner
I’ve judged others. But, it is mind-blowing to realize I judge myself with the
same measure I judge others. And I can never measure up. How can I expect it of
others?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s
the same as “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). If I don’t love
myself and treat myself with respect, lovingkindness and compassion, how can I
love others?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
went back and read Chapter 6 in <i>Rising
Strong</i> again. No surprise there. Brené Brown wrote that the people who
didn’t think others were doing the best they could “judged their efforts in the
same exacting manner that they judged the efforts of others.” She noticed these
were the same group of people who struggled with perfectionism.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today
I showed Dr. Anna what I had written in this post to this point. I hadn’t
finished it. I had a week full of revelations that I shared with her, which I’ll
be sharing with you in the future. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once
again, my mind opened up more on the drive home and I had these thoughts:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It
is easier to judge and avoid connection than to connect and work through conflict.
</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Avoiding
Connection = Avoiding Conflict</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">The
opposite of judgement is acceptance.</span></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve
got more wrestling or “rumbling” (Brené Brown’s word) to do…</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-21373437612028926522015-10-22T13:30:00.001-07:002015-10-22T13:38:43.676-07:00Who I Am<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8tbAZlA5AHo/VilFL2SU9sI/AAAAAAAABSY/wYrlDP4d6uU/s1600/005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8tbAZlA5AHo/VilFL2SU9sI/AAAAAAAABSY/wYrlDP4d6uU/s400/005.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Who I Am</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am darkness and light.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am perfect and imperfect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am shy and outgoing.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am music and silence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am joy and sadness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am saved. And I am a sinner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am weak and strong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am courage and fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am love and hatred.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am judgment and grace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am selfless and selfish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am human.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And when I acknowledge, embrace and integrate all that I am,
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instead of denying, hiding, covering, or running,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am me. All of me.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(copyright 2015 Gayle Gresham)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-20384254826431328842015-10-14T12:36:00.001-07:002015-10-14T12:36:42.611-07:00Reconnecting With Community<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VdPwoOOuto8/Vh6tPYKk3eI/AAAAAAAABSE/2MHG086KQx8/s1600/Cape%2BCanaveral%2BBeach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VdPwoOOuto8/Vh6tPYKk3eI/AAAAAAAABSE/2MHG086KQx8/s400/Cape%2BCanaveral%2BBeach.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cape Canaveral Beach, Florida where I spent last weekend with my daughter</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some
situations in our community the past couple of years left me and my family
feeling singled out, rejected, and talked about. In one word – ostracized.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After these
situations, I ventured out to the Christmas Bazaar last fall with my daughter, daughter-in-law
and grandbaby, feeling vulnerable, but trying to be brave. Most people were
friendly and spoke to me. One woman wouldn’t say “hi” back to me when I said
hello. But the woman beside her came around the table, hugged me and made a
fuss over my grandbaby. Thank you, again, for your kindness. One lady turned
away from my girls when she saw them. This broke my heart when they told me
about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whether the
ostracism was real or perceived, the result was the same. I withdrew. My family
withdrew.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We withdrew from the community where John was
born and raised and where our children were born and raised; the place where we
have lived 28 out of the 30 years of marriage; and where we have been involved
over the years in the school, library, 4-H, fire department, and church.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am writing
this, not for you to feel sorry for me. I am writing because I know I am not
alone. If there is one thing I know about my community and your community, it
is that there are many wounded hearts, people who have been shunned or who feel
ostracized from their community.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It isn’t
something we like to think about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s easier
to explain away why someone doesn’t fit into our community. Sins become scarlet
letters, which makes it OK to talk about someone and tell everyone else what they’ve
done. We label people because it is easier to label someone than work to get to
know them for who they are. Personal lives are treated like the soap opera on
television, “Did you hear about so-and-so? Can you believe it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is it any
wonder so many of us hide out and stay away from community?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or, we flat
out have a feud. We try to control what others think. We draw people to our
side by telling them how bad those other people are. We have a verbal shoot-out
in a public meeting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The result? Either
we have power and do everything we can to keep control. Or we withdraw. Nobody
likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, I’m
tired of eating worms. Worms infiltrate your system with hatred, bitterness, loneliness
and rejection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week, I
stepped out and returned to the Book Club at the library. It had been over a
year since I had attended a meeting. The women welcomed me back with hugs and
smiles. And graciously forgave me when I spent much of the meeting talking with
the new branch manager of the library. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It felt good
to be with a group of community members and to be accepted as I am – broken,
hurt, vulnerable, but striving to be brave and courageous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week I
read Brené Brown’s latest book, <i>Rising
Strong</i>. Her words define what I am feeling and inspire me to keep muddling
through and finding the ability to rise strong. But Chapter Six, “Sewer Rats
and Scofflaws” stunned me. In this chapter Brené shares a situation with
another person in which she felt very uncomfortable. Her therapist asks, “What
if that woman was doing the best she could that weekend?” Brené struggled with
this idea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brené asked
her husband, “Do you think, in general, that people are doing the best that
they can?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He answered
after much thought, “I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life
is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of
judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Read his
response again. “My life is better when…” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How will our
lives change when we assume people are doing their best? What will happen if we
stop judging and accept people for who they are at that moment? How do we focus
on what is instead of what should be or could be?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Looking back
at my experience at the Christmas Bazaar, I know the pain of rejection was
real. I experienced it and I felt it. The rejection devastated me. My thoughts
ran with what should be or could be. She should have said hi to me. She could
have stepped forward and spoken to my girls. She should have fussed over my
grandbaby.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But what if
each lady was doing the best she could at that moment? It doesn’t make the
rejection any easier, but it makes my judgment a little less. If I can accept
those moments for what they were without dwelling on what they should have
been, then I can let go of the pain and anger I’ve held for a year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am doing
the best I can. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-68639378646096868382015-09-30T13:52:00.000-07:002015-09-30T13:54:59.650-07:00A Blue Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-91GHsbPqQiM/Vgw9rpTGoaI/AAAAAAAABRo/R2IwuZMvaIo/s1600/001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-91GHsbPqQiM/Vgw9rpTGoaI/AAAAAAAABRo/R2IwuZMvaIo/s400/001.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today is a gloomy, cloudy day. Even Pikes Peak has the
blues. <br />But I don’t. And that makes me smile!<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A month ago, the weather would have affected me and I would
have been down in the dumps. But, my Vitamin D levels must be where they need
to be and therapy is obviously working. I feel normal and engaged in life without
any depression today. Hallelujah!<br />
<br />
This doesn’t mean I never have a blue day anymore. In fact, I had one a little
over a week ago on a sunny day. And I learned something from it. <br />
<br />
When we are recovering from depression, a down day can make us think, “Here I
go again, back into depression. Will it ever go away?” <br />
<br />
My therapist explained that the brain remembers the path it’s been down to
depression, and once it has been down that path, it’s easier for the brain to
go there. But, it doesn’t have to stay there. <br />
<br />
On the day I was depressed, I left my house at 6:00 a.m. to take a friend of a
friend to the airport in Colorado Springs. I was a little bit anxious about
driving because I hadn’t driven to the Springs airport in many years.
Everything went fine and I was home by 8:00 a.m. I sat down and fell asleep,
woke up at 9:00 and felt blah. Kate left the house to go somewhere with a
friend. I felt a little more blah. <br />
<br />
By 10:00, I was just plain depressed. I did the things I know to do to cope
with depression. I ate breakfast and lunch. Took my vitamins and supplements. Spent
some time with God in silence and prayer. Got outside and took a walk enjoying
the sunshine. But, the cloud of depression didn’t lift.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought, “Okay. Today I am depressed. So, I’ll just be
depressed.”<br />
<br />
And that’s what I did. I gave myself the grace I needed to accept that I would
be depressed that day. I realized that going to the airport early that morning
threw me off and had made me anxious. Kate’s leaving when I’d thought she’d be
home had made me feel lonely.<br />
<br />
I did what needed done that day and didn’t worry about what didn’t get done. I felt
the depression and lived with it. I didn’t make it out to be worse than it was
and I didn’t panic because I felt depressed. Later in the afternoon, I watched a movie,
something I don’t do very often by myself. But I enjoyed it and didn’t lay on
the guilt for watching it. <br />
<br />
John came home from work and Kate came home. I related that I’d been pretty
depressed, but I didn’t run myself down for it. Just said that’s the way it
was. Hopefully, the next day I’d be normal again.<br />
<br />
I got a good night’s sleep and woke up the next morning feeling fine.<br /> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Looking back, the one thing I would do differently is call a
friend and go out for lunch. That may have helped my loneliness and bumped me
out of depression. <br />
<br />
Accepting a day of depression seemed to take the power away from the
depression. If I accepted it, I didn’t have to feed it with feelings of unworthiness
or worthlessness. I examined my emotions and understood why I felt the way I
did and it is okay to feel that way. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A blue day can be just that—a blue day. Nothing
more, nothing less. </span><br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></span>Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-33079853648242405142015-09-24T14:30:00.000-07:002015-09-24T14:30:18.555-07:00Where Anxiety and Depression Meet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-D1IpEXDjxOs/VgRa4xD0asI/AAAAAAAABRQ/u9-OfLC8RV0/s1600/004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-D1IpEXDjxOs/VgRa4xD0asI/AAAAAAAABRQ/u9-OfLC8RV0/s400/004.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Every once in a while, I open up my journal and look back
at where I was when I started this journey. Wow, I have come a long way. <br />
<br />
Today I thought I’d share one of my early journal entries. I had told my
therapist that I feel really anxious when I woke up in the morning. Dr. Anna
had asked me to write down an example of how I talked to myself. Easier said
than done. It took several days to be aware of what I was saying to myself. But,
then early one morning I caught myself. <br />
<br />
I get up at 5:45 a.m. to make my husband breakfast and pack his lunch and then
I go back to bed, because I am NOT a morning person. But, for some reason, I
thought I should be.<br /> <br />On May 20<sup>th</sup>, I became aware of what I was
thinking as I made John’s lunch. And I sat down and wrote it out after he left
for work.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">5/20<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Lots
of negative self-talk this morning. I want to go back to bed. But I’ve got lots
to get done. I’ll go back to be and get up at 7:00. Yeah, right. You’ll sleep ‘til
8:00. You won’t get anything done anyway. I need a schedule or a routine. You
never keep a schedule. You never do what you plan to do. You’ll plan it, but
there’s always some reason you won’t do it. You never finish anything. If you
schedule something, you’ll talk yourself out of it.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This is one paragraph of it. I remember sitting in shock
after writing it. Did I really talk to myself that way? I wouldn’t talk like
that to anyone else. There are two pages of this in my journal going over every
task I needed to complete that day. No wonder I woke up feeling anxious! This
verbal tennis match running in my head occurred every morning before I got out
of bed and continued after I got up.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The first thing Dr. Anna did was give me permission to go
back to bed and sleep. I obviously need my sleep. Sleep is important if you are
depressed (and she said I wasn’t getting too much sleep –another symptom of
depression). And, she gave me only one task for each day. My only check-box to
mark is “What is your mood?” She also taught me to stop my thoughts. Realizing
my thoughts were not normal or good helped me to stop them. <br />
<br />
I learned to challenge a thought and ask its value. Is it true or not true?
What’s the worst that can happen? What’s the best?<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Brené Brown’s book, <i>Daring
Greatly</i>, talks about scarcity – the thinking that we are never enough. She
quotes Lynne Twist (author of <i>The Soul of
Money</i>), “Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re
already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something.”<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I am enough. I don’t do things just like everyone else. I
am learning to be myself and be comfortable with me. And the verbal tennis match in my head has stopped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />Related posts:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> <a href="http://beneathadappledsky.blogspot.com/2015/06/a-time-to-stop.html" target="_blank">A Time To STOP</a></span></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-26916825212505404902015-09-16T16:00:00.000-07:002015-09-16T16:01:29.767-07:00Adjusting To Change<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M--ieLL5P7Y/Vfnz66sh72I/AAAAAAAABQ4/kMCZdkiavK0/s1600/108.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M--ieLL5P7Y/Vfnz66sh72I/AAAAAAAABQ4/kMCZdkiavK0/s400/108.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week,
John and I spent the week in the mountains after a family camp-out over Labor
Day weekend. We rode our 4-wheeler of Lost Canyon Road up above Twin Lakes and
we rode over Tincup Pass. Fall is in the air and appearing in the aspen trees. So
relaxing and peaceful. And then on Friday and Saturday we enjoyed camping at
Camp Como with some of our church family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I knew
change loomed ahead and my 3:00 a.m. worry time woke me up on Saturday morning.
Our adult daughter, Kate, would be moving in with us on Sunday. Kate sold her
house and quit her job to begin a new chapter in her life with a move to
another state in the future. But, for a couple of months, Kate, along with her
2 dogs and 1 cat, will be living with us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What will
this change do to my life? How will I adjust to the upset in the balance? How
will this affect my depression and anxiety? So many questions and not many
answers.<br />
<br />
We moved Kate in on Sunday and she closed on her house Monday. Today I woke up
at 9:00 a.m. from a dead sleep. I felt like I could have slept all day. And, I
still have sore muscles from the packing and moving. <br />
<br />
When you have suffered from depression, it’s easy to think on a down day you
are slipping back into depression. But I have learned from my therapist to
label my feelings and realize they are feelings and not necessarily depression.
And it is okay to feel my feelings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
So, I knew I was exhausted and had good reason to be – both physically and
emotionally. Feeling tired is not depression. I feel a little sad and
unsettled. My home, my space that I value, is more chaotic with the animals
adjusting to each other. Right this minute, I have a Yellow Lab and a German
Shepherd mix wrestling in my living room. It’s not my normal quiet, calm space.
Boxes are stacked everywhere, until Kate arranges for more storage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kate is also
adjusting to her changes and I want to support her. We are dancing the dance
that mothers and daughters do when daughters are grown. I try not to be the
parent and tell her what to do. And she tries not to be defensive when I say
something. Our bond is a delicate thread to treasure, not to break. We both
know communication is the key. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will give
myself grace. I will give Kate grace. And I will give John grace as he adjusts,
too. This isn’t permanent. In the next couple of months I will enjoy my
daughter and our relationship. Rather than wishing for peace and quiet, I will
embrace the here and now. I know what I need to do to take care of myself. I
will find my space and my quiet, even if it is in the camper. Kate and I will
enjoy walks together. And, I’ll enjoy walks by myself. We will go places and
have fun together. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will treasure this time…before the next big change.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-3917771021822321762015-09-02T11:23:00.000-07:002015-09-02T11:25:45.195-07:00All or Nothing Mentality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R-R5qEmhQ0o/Vec9wEcYQTI/AAAAAAAABPg/yK_ictv0848/s1600/002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R-R5qEmhQ0o/Vec9wEcYQTI/AAAAAAAABPg/yK_ictv0848/s400/002.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
painted my back deck last Friday.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Painting
is not one of my favorite things. In fact, it’s about my least favorite thing
to do. When I lift my arms above my head, I pass out. And I have a bum wrist.
Throw in a heap of perfectionism. Yeah, I don’t paint.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But,
for some reason, I can paint a deck. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t have to be
perfect. Or, it’s because I can finish it in an hour or two and don’t have to
lift my arms. And, I had a motive – I wanted a pretty place to sit and eat
breakfast out in the sunshine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
opened the bucket of paint and rolled a swipe of paint. Uh-oh. The barn red
paint was more raspberry sherbet color. Oh, well. It will dry darker. It doesn’t
have to be perfect. I finished the deck, but still had to paint the steps and
railing. And, decide whether or not to paint the dog house raspberry red.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Saturday
morning I painted again. It was a struggle to get going, but I did. I started
painting the dog house and thought about my “all or nothing” mentality. Why do
I think I have to be able to finish a project in one day? Why is it so hard to
get it going again the next day?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
learned about my “all or nothing” mentality earlier this summer when I decided to practice my
hammered dulcimer 30 minutes every day. I set my timer every day and played for
30 minutes. I saw it as a challenge to improve, not as a “should do.” But one
day I didn’t have 30 minutes of time before a busy day. I only had 20 minutes.
My first thought was, “If I can’t play for 30 minutes, then I don’t have time
to do it.” All or nothing. Then, I realized how ridiculous that was. I played
for 20 minutes and enjoyed it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Much
of my “all or nothing” mentality is my personality. I recently read the INFP’s
prayer is “Lord, please help me finish what I sta…” Ha-ha! Yep, that’s me! If I
don’t get all of it done right then, there’s a good chance it will never get
finished. I also know I learn from whole to part and that is the way I work,
too. It’s hard for me to break things down into increments and work
consistently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This
is why it was totally conceivable for me to think I could write the second half
of my book during a week’s writing retreat. When I only wrote one chapter, I
gave myself grace and a high-five. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Becoming
aware of when I am in “all or nothing” mentality, making a choice to do a part
of it instead of all, and giving myself grace are new steps for me. Steps I will
continue to take.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh,
and I did finish painting. How do you like my raspberry-red deck? Come join me
for a glass of iced tea. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-87226602621970545552015-08-26T09:23:00.000-07:002015-08-26T09:23:16.943-07:00Are You Enough?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9aB6dvVmQyM/Vd3nCw3FDgI/AAAAAAAABPA/dU0hy419Zys/s1600/Imperfect%2B-%2B39.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="267" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9aB6dvVmQyM/Vd3nCw3FDgI/AAAAAAAABPA/dU0hy419Zys/s400/Imperfect%2B-%2B39.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You are not good
enough. You are not smart enough. You are not productive enough. You are not
talented enough. You are not disciplined enough. You are not Christian enough.
You are not… enough.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lies. All lies. Lies I told myself. Lies Satan told me. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lies I believed. Until they broke me.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And in my brokenness, God made me whole.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have always been the good girl. The one who went to
church, obeyed her parents, didn’t party, didn’t get into trouble. And I grew
up into a good, Christian woman. A good, Christian wife and a good, Christian
mother.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But being a good, Christian woman wasn’t enough. I could not
live up to my expectations. The Proverbs 31 woman I am not. I could not live up
to God’s expectations (or what I thought were his expectations). For years I have
asked God to change me. But he didn’t. I stopped reading the Bible because I
felt condemned. I could not live up to it. I didn’t attempt to have a quiet
time or devotions because I never kept it regularly. I wasn’t disciplined
enough. I didn’t pray enough. I wasn’t enough.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One day, I made an honest statement to an elder in my
church. I told him I felt condemned when I read the Bible. He paused a moment,
and then said, “That’s interesting. When I read something I feel I’m not living
up to, I feel challenged to try to do it.”<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It opened my eyes. I still did not know how to do it, but I
saw there was another way of living. A way of feeling challenged to live it
instead of feeling condemned. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then the depression hit me this spring and while reading the
many books that gave me insight into myself and my relationship with God, I
made a discovery. Though I knew it was impossible to keep the law of the Old
Testament and that Jesus died on the cross to abolish the law, I had tried to
keep Jesus teachings in the same way as the old law. And keeping Jesus’
teachings to the letter is as impossible as keeping the old law. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is no possible way I can “Be perfect, therefore as your
heavenly Father is perfect” as Jesus taught in Matthew 5:48. The only way I am
perfect is through Jesus’ blood. He alone has made my imperfect perfect.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am enough because Jesus made me enough. My freedom is
through Christ. I am free to be who God created me to be. I am worthy. <br /> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Therefore, I will never be the Proverbs 31 woman. My house
won’t be perfect and my meals (other than taco salad) won’t be perfect. I won’t
keep schedules or to-do lists. I won’t be productive in the way most define
productive. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I will be the best Gayle Gresham God created. I will
rest in God’s way, not mine. I will seek Him in my way, not the way others do.
I will trust Him and Him alone. Because He made me be enough.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For more on being enough, read Brenè Brown’s book, <i>The Gifts of Imperfection</i>.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-38340501059823658042015-08-11T10:14:00.000-07:002015-08-11T10:14:21.638-07:00A Dappled Sky In Salida<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f00ZTioJCeI/VcotSOj7zRI/AAAAAAAABOE/VnjXbsqcwVE/s1600/003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f00ZTioJCeI/VcotSOj7zRI/AAAAAAAABOE/VnjXbsqcwVE/s320/003.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I am
sitting beneath the dappled sky near Salida, Colorado. Surrounded by mountains,
pure, clean air and a cool breeze. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This week is
set aside for writing the book about the cattle rustling story in my family
history. It really helps me to be in the setting where the events took place.
But I also feel such peace. At home in a place I’ve never lived, but have
wonderful memories of camping in the area over the years.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This morning,
as I looked up at the dappled sky, I felt centered. Everything is right with me
and God. My soul is alive. My worries and anxieties are gone. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What more
could I ask for? <br /><br />Well, words. Words to write this story. But I keep trusting
God that they will come.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2398422506114614078.post-66873234965740748042015-08-04T07:30:00.000-07:002015-08-04T11:40:01.449-07:00A Rainy Day Plan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0GqfPlQ0by4/VcAXhDg4qGI/AAAAAAAABNo/YZt_ldiT6tE/s1600/Rainy%2BDay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0GqfPlQ0by4/VcAXhDg4qGI/AAAAAAAABNo/YZt_ldiT6tE/s400/Rainy%2BDay.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yesterday was cloudy. All day long. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I saw my therapist, Dr. Anna joked that maybe I had “Weather”
Affective Disorder. She can tell whether it is sunny or cloudy just by
looking at my face. <br />And I can feel it. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My depression is so much better. On sunny days, I don’t
feel it or think about it. But on a cloudy day, it is there. Dr. Anna shared an illustration of depression being like water in a glass. My mood will stay above the water line and
I will feel normal on a sunny day. But on a cloudy or rainy day, my mood dips
below the water line. It doesn’t plunge me to the depths, but it dips enough that
it changes how I feel.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dr. Anna suggested I make a Rainy Day Plan when I first started seeing her.<br /><br />This is my plan:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sleep well. In fact, sleep in if I want to.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drink a glass of water as soon as I get up. Drink 8 glasses
of water throughout the day.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eat a good breakfast with protein.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Take my vitamins.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Use my Joy essential oils. A sweet friend mixed this for me
and gave it to me when she learned of my depression. Every time I apply the oils, I think of her friendship and
her kindness. It gives me joy and makes me feel better.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Take a walk. Take a walk even if it is raining. Be mindful
of the smells, the green grass, the flowers, the crunch of the gravel under my
shoe. I also try to take a walk after a storm. It will instantly lift my mood.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Read a good book.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Create space for God. A time to be silent, to read a verse
or two, to pray if I feel like it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Call a friend and visit.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Play the hammered dulcimer or guitar.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Most of the things I do every day. On rainy
days, I am intentional about doing them. I am intentional about giving myself
grace and caring for myself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you have a plan for days you feel depressed? What helps you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Gayle Greshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13225415106454396883noreply@blogger.com0