Every once in a while, I open up my journal and look back
at where I was when I started this journey. Wow, I have come a long way.
Today I thought I’d share one of my early journal entries. I had told my therapist that I feel really anxious when I woke up in the morning. Dr. Anna had asked me to write down an example of how I talked to myself. Easier said than done. It took several days to be aware of what I was saying to myself. But, then early one morning I caught myself.
I get up at 5:45 a.m. to make my husband breakfast and pack his lunch and then I go back to bed, because I am NOT a morning person. But, for some reason, I thought I should be.
On May 20th, I became aware of what I was thinking as I made John’s lunch. And I sat down and wrote it out after he left for work.
Today I thought I’d share one of my early journal entries. I had told my therapist that I feel really anxious when I woke up in the morning. Dr. Anna had asked me to write down an example of how I talked to myself. Easier said than done. It took several days to be aware of what I was saying to myself. But, then early one morning I caught myself.
I get up at 5:45 a.m. to make my husband breakfast and pack his lunch and then I go back to bed, because I am NOT a morning person. But, for some reason, I thought I should be.
On May 20th, I became aware of what I was thinking as I made John’s lunch. And I sat down and wrote it out after he left for work.
5/20
Lots
of negative self-talk this morning. I want to go back to bed. But I’ve got lots
to get done. I’ll go back to be and get up at 7:00. Yeah, right. You’ll sleep ‘til
8:00. You won’t get anything done anyway. I need a schedule or a routine. You
never keep a schedule. You never do what you plan to do. You’ll plan it, but
there’s always some reason you won’t do it. You never finish anything. If you
schedule something, you’ll talk yourself out of it.
This is one paragraph of it. I remember sitting in shock
after writing it. Did I really talk to myself that way? I wouldn’t talk like
that to anyone else. There are two pages of this in my journal going over every
task I needed to complete that day. No wonder I woke up feeling anxious! This
verbal tennis match running in my head occurred every morning before I got out
of bed and continued after I got up.
The first thing Dr. Anna did was give me permission to go
back to bed and sleep. I obviously need my sleep. Sleep is important if you are
depressed (and she said I wasn’t getting too much sleep –another symptom of
depression). And, she gave me only one task for each day. My only check-box to
mark is “What is your mood?” She also taught me to stop my thoughts. Realizing
my thoughts were not normal or good helped me to stop them.
I learned to challenge a thought and ask its value. Is it true or not true? What’s the worst that can happen? What’s the best?
I learned to challenge a thought and ask its value. Is it true or not true? What’s the worst that can happen? What’s the best?
Brené Brown’s book, Daring
Greatly, talks about scarcity – the thinking that we are never enough. She
quotes Lynne Twist (author of The Soul of
Money), “Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re
already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something.”
I am enough. I don’t do things just like everyone else. I
am learning to be myself and be comfortable with me. And the verbal tennis match in my head has stopped.
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I am happy for you Gayle as you learn more and more about yourself, and how to be happy in your own skin. You are an inspiration! This is a journey like no other!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jan! It's a journey of necessity and so freeing. Read Daring Greatly, if you haven't yet. Point after point hits home in it.
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